Safe & Sane
A Critical No So Popular View
First law: you may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
If you are a sci-fi fan like I am, you recognize this law. Asimov laws, or The Three Laws of Robotic. Yeah, I know, a very what the actual fuck begining for BDSMK article. Even though Asimov created these laws as a plot device and the other two laws suck and they couldn’t work in the real world, that first law, that one stuck with Me. Why? Well, it acknowledges that harming others can be done through actions or inaction. And I think safe and sane it’s all about that. Let’s unpack that.
All communities face challenges. Even if I think there aren't such things like “small insignificant things” when it comes to ethics, specially within the BDSMK community, for this one we will put our attention on the holy duo of kink; Safe & Sane.
What it’s the most popular definition of safe and sane within the community? Safe means the risks are known. Sane means people are able to make good choices. Sounds pretty straightforward, right?. I mean, how can this be confusing or difficult to follow when it sounds so simple? Here comes shades, nuances, context and light.
The main discourse talks about how safe, sane and consent are kink’s holy trinity, as if these 3 things couldn't exist independently. Flash new, they can. They do. Safe it is limited to the physical aspect of things, which I think it’s fucking stupid and denies the complexity of human nature. I find it hilariously ironic that while they sell you the verbiage that triskelion is about body, soul and mind, in practice they tell you that your safety is limited to your body and the emotional and spiritual safety have no place in it. Some people argue that "serious players" have physical safety as a cherished priority because they recognize the potential risk of inflicting “extreme stimulus” upon even a willing partner. Meaning, consent is not the magic tool we can use to make believe safe and sane are in place.
Pretending that because a relationship is physically safe surely is consensual is foolish. And the opposite is also true. Not because its consensual means is safe or sane.
I think the generalization of safe, sane and consensual has made those words lose their meaning, they are just buzzwords now, they are meaningless. So, I want us to talk about what the actual fuck safe and sane actually means [to me]. If you want to know my take about consent, go to Consent; More Than Yes.
What does a safe BDSMK relationship look like?
For some reason many people, more than I would like, believe that having a safeword it’s all it's required to have safety in place. Some folks even think that having a safeword “encourages complacency”, whatever that means. There's also people who argue that safety is “a relative thing”. Others state that “true BDSM” do not think about safety in a “simple vanilla way”. I call all that bs. I think all those takes are manipulative, coercive, stupid and plain dangerous. Those are the kind of ideas why we need to talk about safety and sanity constantly.
Short easy version of safe; free from harm or risk. What I think kink folks should think safe means; risks are understood and minimized for and by both parties. People know what they are getting into and can handle it responsibly [reason why basic medical knowledge and aftercare are so important]. What a lifestyler should already know; even if we acknowledge that nothing we do it’s 100% free of risks, we actively educate, prepare and inform ourselves to improve the safety of our actions. We can’t “sell” BDSMK safety as an absolute term, because it’s not. We should inform in a clear, honest and non coercive way the risks involved in BDSMK activities.
If we are going to say we stand for ethical BDSMK relationships in which consent is at the center; we should advocate for changing safe to safer. Let’s remember that sufficient knowledge is one of consent’s conditions. That means, we can't withhold, modify or embellish information. Having said that and considering that BDSMK activities are physically demanding and potentially stressful, ensuring that regardless of that, physical safety is 100% guaranteed is irresponsible. Practices like impact play, bondage, and even something as unproblematic as kneeling can entail certain physical risks that can be minimized but not 100% erased.
Talking about “safe anything” when it comes to BDSMK activities it’s unrealistic. Accidents happen and bodies do not always react in the same way. Meanwhile, safer depends on what type of play you are doing and how well prepared all people involved are. It’s making sure we discuss risks that might happen; making the research and preparation for possible complications; training to make sure we know how the fuck we supposed to use the first aid kit and how to put into action the emergency plan in case anything goes wrong. Both, Dominant and submissive should be part of that. The sub/bottom [consenter] is under obligation to know and inform the Dominant [the consentee] about any medical condition, even if they think isn’t relevant for the safety of a given BDSMK-activity. This also goes for relevant psychological difficulties, like: phobias, triggers, etc, which is the sane part of this equation. But for the holy Superman's cape, don't think that having a safe word and a fucking contract means safety is guaranteed. Vet your playpartner, ask them to demonstrate they have the skills, knowledge, preparation, intention and ability to keep you safe.
What does Sane means in BDSMK?
“We will not take it upon ourselves to define sanity. ‘Sane’, in this context, however, generally means, first, that any given D&S activity is done for the pleasure of everyone involved. Erotic play should not cause emotional anguish; it should not abuse the submissive's vulnerability or subject a submissive to unreasonable risk. And a submissive should not have to worry that the dominant will exceed his or her personal limits.”
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance & Submission
by Gloria Brame; William Brame; Jon Jacobs
Once I saw on fetlife a 22 y.o girl asking to be "hang and cut in half", she called that "her sexual fantasy". When I dug into her writings she had several posts about wanting to be shot at, cut, eaten, beaten, all in a very gruesome but "cute" way. She said that nothing else could give her pleasure if it weren't those. Of course the amount of “ethical, safe and sane” guys willing to play along, to give her what she herself was asking for was huge. Things like "yeah, I will cut you", “as long as you ask for it, who am I to refuse?”, “only a true kinkster will understand the joy of this”, were among the top comments.
So, I'm sorry, but I do think that defining sanity may be a good idea. Maybe I'm too old, maybe I'm more puritan than I want to admit even to myself, maybe it's because I'm a mother, maybe it's because I'm a woman, maybe it's because I'm a sexual assault survivor BUT there are lines I like to be drawn in neon colors and they should never be crossed. Don't fucking care if you call it "hard kink" or whatever, don’t care if you want to revoke my kink card, I will gladly give it to you. But ethical principals and everything I know about how human mind works tells me that are certain things that are just wrong. It isn’t kink. Fuck no!. If you insist that's kink then hell damn, I will leave this fucking place. You are as disgusting as those creeps wanting to put pedos sick bastards under LGBTQ+ or kink umbrella, it's not fucking the same!.
One of the cases that left me speachless is the case of Sharon Latka, who was “consensually” killed in 1.996. Her killer argued "that was her biggest sexual fantasy”. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to have my name alongside those people. They do not represent the BDSMK community I want to be associated with. I will keep saying this until the day I die, just because it's weird doesn't mean it's kinky. Yes, the line between [actual] safe, sane and ethical kink and plain insanity its thinner than we want to admit, but there's a fucking line, nonetheless.
Unpopular hot take alert, respecting someone's limits when they obviously have problems realizing where healthy limits should be means shit. The amount of people saying me: “I don't have limits” or “I have the limits you decide me to have” it’s insane. Kink folks in a nutshell believe that, just because someone is an adult they are inherently intelligent and sane enough, thus are responsible and competent enough to make their choices, hence the other part is not accountable for their poor choice making. Like, are you for real? If we are going to go with that argument then we need to establish at what age the brain it’s prepared to make complex evaluations to make long term decisions. Scientifically. Because according to some place's law, 11 years old is old enough for it. A child doesn't have sufficient knowledge nor possess the mental competence to give a consent that can hold through time. PERIOD. If a person is likely to regret doing something that means the consent was shaky at best. Competence aka sanity, requires the consenter has [at the time of consent] a clear, stable, and able mind for them to be able to evaluate real life consequences in the aftermath. Of course, the exact boundary is hard to draw. some cases will inevitably fall into a gray zone. What shouldn’t be controversial is competence’s relevance. I have the "unpopular" hot take of having a 25 years old age limit regarding to how young kink folks should be.
My gold standard for sane is simple; I should feel comfortable being accountable for anything I do to another person, that means, I’m ready to face the consequences of my actions. I should behave in a reliable manner, I should take responsibility instead of casting blame, if it feels like abuse its because it is; if I’m not improving someone's life, means I shouldn’t do it. The goal shouldn’t never be how hardcore the actions are but how good everyone feels after it. Pretty simple, right?
Considerations
Physical Considerations
Learn: educate yourself. Learn word's meanings, activities safety, best tool quality and maintenance tricks, among many other things. Are a bottom?, that doesn’t mean you shouldn't learn. Learn how safe looks like, be active in your own safety. Learn how to safely do it, but also learn what to do if things go wrong, because shit happens and you better to be prepared when happens.
Train: knowledge is useless if you don’t put it into action. Theoretical knowledge is only fun when talking over a cup of coffee, but when things move to skin-flogger action, proper skills are what keep things fum. Go to workshops, ask for mentorship, do practice sessions with you partner. Whatever you choose, make sure your training is constant.
Communicate: you never can ask too much questions or give too much details. Double check everything. Knowing your partner's health is as important [or more] than knowing if they like it in the ass. Health information it's the only thing that will help you to make the much important “if everything goes to shit" plan.
Negotiate: if someone tells you: “I’m okay with whatever”, run. That it's the biggest, brighter red flag you will see. Someone that doesn’t know or doesn't "have" limits is not someone with whom you want to play. Period. Don't think it will be fun, usually that answer comes with more problems than fun.
Aftercare: essential for helping to physically and mentally transitioning from the scene to OW. Contrary to what most people think, aftercare it’s not only about the immediate after scene, regular check-ins, both during and outside of scenes, help ensure that all parties are doing well.
Safe Words and Signals: these aren magical stones, do not have super powers nor will fix everything that it's wrong. Establishing safe words or signals allows participants to communicate during a scene. That's it. It will useful ONLY if the parties involved have everything else figured out, otherwise they are nothing more than placebo fake stone.
Psychological Considerations
In the context of BDSMK, most people think being “sane” often refers to ensuring that all activities are consensual and safe, which I think it’s an over simplified way of looking at it. Yes, consent is crucial. Yes, ensuring physical safety is paramount. Neither of those two things guarantee that a relationship is sane.
Working on building an open and honest communication, discussing boundaries, desires, and any concerns before engaging in play. Have ongoing conversations about what’s working and what’s not. Educating ourselves about aftercare and how to address potential psychological impacts. Fostering a more human, inclusive and supportive community. For me, and I'm always right, this is how a relationship can be considered psychologically sane. When it is built on the foundation of mutual respect for each one's humanity.
Take the time to build trust, earn your partner's respect, listening to each other without judgment and validating each other's feelings. All this things many consider as corny is what really works, speaking from experience. They are crucial.
Being aware of and addressing any mental health issues that could impact the relationship or activities it’s part of ethical behavior. Seeking support from mental health professionals [if needed], remember BDSM activities can be pretty intense, it's very possible that triggers unresolved trauma or emotional issues.
Safe and sane isn't about tossing words, dacing to cumbaya while hoping for the best result- Folks should engage in self-reflection, be aware of their motivations, feelings, skill level, their preparation and do the same for the people with whom they will play. I have known people who are more careful in choosing where they eat or buy clothes than they are in choosing with whom they fuck and let them tie them up. You can´t seriously pretend go into this community without any preparation and hope never bad things happen to you.
At the end of the day, safe and sane it’s about treating others in a human way, not like sexual toys. Remember, not because we use words like play means this shit it’s a game. Be mindful about everything you do to.
Stay safe, keep it sane, make it consensual and have fun with it!
See you on the next one 🜉
