Finding a NON Professional Domme
The Utopia of Receiving Without Giving
This one it's DEEPLY personal, so I might be a little bit more . . . cheeky[?] Let's make this VERY AND ABUNDANTLY clear. . .
Tributes it's not about buying love, darling, it's about showing fucking respect!
Let’s set the record straight for those who think tributes in BDSMK are all about cold, hard cash. If you believe tributes are just "paying for attention," well, sweetie, it’s time to get educated. Think of it like bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party, it’s not that you’re buying your friend’s company, it’s a way of saying, “Hey, I appreciate the effort you’re putting in to make this night unforgettable”. It's basic manners. In the BDSMK world, tributes show respect, value someone’s time, and acknowledge the energy it takes to create a truly electrifying experience.
So, before you roll your eyes, remember; it’s not about the money, it’s about recognizing the dedication, skill, and yes, even the glittery thigh-high boots your Domme rocks like a total boss. Think of it as tipping your favorite performer, except the stage is a little... kinkier 😈
I have had guys, because it has always been men, telling me: “Why do I need to pay you for it?” “Why are your sessions so expensive?”. Apparently one of the things that has not yet managed to go through the dense male skull is the difference between a professional Domme and a lifestyle one, especially the most important differences; the equivalence between what you ask for vs what you are willing to give.
Now, let’s be honest here, could we? A lot of guys, by it I mean most guys, aren’t submissives, not even bottoms. They aren’t actually interested in power dynamics, or in serving nor learning shit. They ultimately just want to have someone that gives them what they want as long as they want. In short, they are interested in Pro-Domme sessions without paying for a Pro-Domme session. And before all those alpha dogs lose their socks trying to contradict me by saying that this is not true, and that what happens is that "real" men don't pay to have their kink satisfied, let Dominant women's [professional or lifestyle] voices be heard.
Hear me out, I'm not saying there aren't genuine submissive men out there. It also happens that many newbie male bottoms think that a Domme equals to all kinds of female Tops, which it doesn’t. Of course there are some genuine male subs out there, sometimes they are even looking for long term relationships. The thing is, even if they are genuine in their search they suck at it. You need to understand the difference between a pro and a lifestyle Domme to have a chance in finding what you think you are looking for.
The Problem
Here’s how the poor male logic works. “I want a lifestyle Domme because that way I will have all a Pro-Domme offers but without paying for it. I AM A GENIUS!”. If you are this level of dumb, no wonder why you aren’t finding a Domme who takes your sorry ass.
Lifestyle Dommes are NOT your kink dispensers. Get that in that thick head of yours. The word Domme comes from dominant, that means these fabulous ladies are into power dynamics where they are the dominant part, usually that means these ladies are looking for someone who serves them, not the other way around.
Us being a Domme isn’t about your expectations, Sweetie!
Tribute, service, and the fantasy fallacy . . .
Oh, so you want the Domme to work Her magic, pour Her skills into creating an unforgettable experience, and do it all just because you showed up? Darling, this isn't a pizza delivery service where you get what you want just because you called. Being a Domme is about creating an exchange of power, not fulfilling fantasies for free like some sort of kink fairy godmother. If you think it’s all about pleasing you, you’re missing the point, and quite frankly, the plot.
Tributes and service are about showing appreciation and understanding that what a Domme offers is a craft, not a convenience. Expecting a Domme to give you Her time, energy, and talent without any sign of respect is like expecting a Michelin-star chef to cook you a five-course meal for exposure. Spoiler alert: it’s not going to happen.
So if you want to truly experience the dynamic, step up, show respect, and acknowledge the effort that goes into it. It’s not about the money, it’s about valuing the person on the other side of the paddle.
So, How Do You Approach A Non-Pro Domme?
[Hint: It’s Not About You, Dear]
So, you want to approach a lifestyle Domme? Well, first things first, ditch the entitlement at the door. A Domme isn’t a genie in latex here to grant your fantasies just because you showed up. If you’re serious about this, then it’s time to put in some effort and show the proper respect. A good start? Try asking yourself, “What do I bring to Her table?” If your answer is "my demands and expectations", go back and try again.
Approaching a Domme is about showing genuine interest in Her as a person, not just Her skills. Respect Her boundaries, acknowledge Her time, and understand that this isn’t about you being “served”. If you aren't ready to serve Her and contribute positively to the dynamic, then honey, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Politeness, tribute, and humility go a long way. This isn’t about throwing a wish list and hoping She takes the bait; it’s about proving you’re worth Her energy.
Remember, a Domme doesn’t need you to have a good time; She’s already the life of the party by Herself 💃. . . Approach Her as an equal who deserves your admiration, not as someone you’re trying to “win over.” Because if you’re not prepared to respect Her power, darling, you’re not even in the game.
Now, the ideal setting for it would be of course through munches or events. But this can be challanging depending where you live. In Ecuador for example, munches and events are like halley's comet [if you become a patreon you can help us towards us creating a physicall space for it!]. . . But I digress. If you founded someone online whom you think is cool, or has a outstanding profile, write Her in a polite non-creepy manner. Never approach a lifestyle Domme as if you are already Her servant, it's not flattery, it's invasive and creepy. Be polite, keep your manners in check and be honest about your intentions.
Few Basic Rules When Approaching a Lifestyle Domme
✓ Sure, you may have see Her pics showing Her glorious body but you CAN'T make overly sexual comments and don't even think about toching Her if you are meeting IRL.
✓ Nobody owes you their time, specially Her. You want Her attention? Earn it.
✓ Always avoid a copy-paste message, no matter how great you think it is. Try to be original.
✓ You and I know that you are messaging many women in the hope one bites, no shame on it. Now, this will become quite transparent for a skillful Domme. Don´t write a Domme just because you "licked" Her picture or because She's "beautiful", you won't catch Her attention with such lines.
✓ Make your opening message brief but please, please, please, don't send a one creep liner one! Make it count. Avoid slipping into fantasies and fetishes, whether you intend to or not it makes you sound like you care more about yourself than about Her. Read the fucking profile! Make sure to include what the fuck attracts you from Her. Perhaps She had a lot of cool stuff to say online. Build on that!
✓ Don’t be salty if the response isn't what you wanted, if takes time ir there's no response. Most Dommes receive a ridiculous amount of mrssages. . .and you know, operative life it's always there, fucking with us; so, even is you received an anwser the conversation might end suddenly. As frustrating as it can be, remember no one owes you their time and that lifes can be impredictible.
✓ Don’t push or coerce into a meeting, accept that it may take time to build trust. And if there is a "no thanks", don’t push for a “Why not?”.
✓ Let's imagine you write such a good first message that you managed to catch Her attention. Things might be going well, but when you ask for a IRL meeting She's not ready for it, at least, not now. If you stope writting Her, forget ever meeting that Queen, you made very clear you aren't interested on Her bounderis, in earning Her trust or in putting the work on solving difficult situations. Take you shabby sub mask and leave Her alone.
✓ The better your attitude, the better your chances. Entitlement is unattractive. And, this comes from personal experience, if you show a Domme that you can seee them beyong the flogger, She might surprise you. Friendship with a knowledgeable Domme can be a powerful and wonderful thing 🖤.
✓ And most importantly, accept the fact that you can do everything "right" and still don't get the result you wish for.
Remember “you’re pretty”, whilst good reasons are not good reasons enough. Now, She's potentially interested in you, after all a Domme without a sub is like a Quuen without a kingdom. First interactions can go rough or smooth, neither of those determine what it's going to happen at the end. The willingness fro both of you it's what will determine the end result. Time might be needed to build up trust before playing. Speaking of that, don’t go in saying you are looking "for jut a play partner, nothing more". Also try to avoid terrible cliché’s like “let’s meet for a coffee and see how things go”.
Booking with a Non-Professional Domme
But that's the thing love, while getting a Pro-Domme’s attention just required you to book a session making the whole process fairly straightforward. With a lifestyle Domme isn’t that simple. Sure, you may try to write a proper dm/email, something between the lines of:
“Dear [insert honorific],
I would like to know about the possibility of a session with you if you are available. My interests are [interests] and what I would like is [scene]. I'm [insert level of experience (new/experienced)] to the lifestyle and think it would be wonderful to explore these ideas with you.
If you are interested and available then please let me know when and where.”
Now, you just need to wait for the response which usually will be any of these options:
1- She will block you.
2- She will answer saying She's not a Pro-Domme.
3- She will accept and will send Her info for you to make a tribute.
Sure, you can say that dm is pretty decent and straightforward, She should appreciate the honesty, right?. Well, you thinking that you can write a non-pro Domme and “book” a session was your first mistake.
I'm going to share a pice of wisdom that will help you to navigate the BDSMK lifestyle from now on. . .ready for it?
Lifestyle Dommes DO NOT play with random people!
Sending a dm to a lifestyle Domme should be limited to a coffee invitation after a few weeks of friendly exchanges. Period. Why on earth would you think it is okay for you to dm a random woman on the internet and go: “I have a big cock, I’m a sub and would love to lick your pussy for hours”, and expect Her to write you back happy about it and then open their home’s door to a complete strange guy and deliver you straight and for free all your fetishes and fantasies??!! Why would you think that's possible?? If you think that sounds like a perfect good plan you may be watching too much porn.
Honey, if you are not willing to spend money do not expect the VIP treatment. In the lifestyle world of a non-pro Domme you might not pay entrance tribute in hard cash but you will spend your time, attention and effort. YOU NEED TO ERN THAT SHIT!
Kinky but With Rules
Even if you know a woman is sexually active and for some magical coincidence you know she likes sex, she’s single or in an ethical non-monogamous relationship and happens that she's looking for someone to fuck with, still you wouldn’t walk up to her in a bar and go: “wanna fuck?”, right?. My dude, you are a complete stranger. If you think women are careful about meeting guys in any social interaction, try in a sexual level and then add the kink layer to it and then you will understand why lifestyle Dommes will vet the fuck out of any potential play partner. Just like in the real world: “I have a big cock” isn’t a good reason to have sex with you; saying: “I’m a sub” isn’t enough for finding a lifestyle Domme.
If you want to confine a woman to her role as a Domme and don’t care about her in a human holistic way, pay for that luxury. Otherwise, do the hard work. Get out into the wild, go to munches, events, sign up for workshops, be an active part of an organized community. Meet people face to face before talking about your dick, ass or anything in between. Find out with whom you might get along, build that connection, feed some trust with each other and then ask: “Hey, would you consider playing with me sometime?”. And you wait. Simple, right?. None of that will happen in a 2 weeks period though; building trust takes time. Is well known among knowledgeable folks that anyone willing to dive into play with the first person up for it is a walking red flag. Meaning, none ethical, skilled, safe and sane Domme will put Her reputation in jeopardy for a free rider.
Negotiation May Differ
Like I told you at the begginning, an experienced and knowledgeable lifestyle Domme will know when a man has had experience only with escorts or with Pro Dommes. The way they negotiate will blow their cover. The approach differs, becomes a little more about their wants and not what they can offer. They go over a list of fetishes and say: “you’re into this, do this for me”. Not that a pro session is just about getting wants for money, though.
I feel a common misconception is that pro sessions are just, “Mistress I want these things done and want you to do this thing, here’s some money”. As a Pro-Mistress it’s something I learned, isn't as black and white as most people may think. There is of course a lot of scope within this. But again, I digress. . . The "get to know you" time will highly differ depending on if She's a Pro or a lifestyler.
For example, myself. How I manage my personal dynamics and how I manage my professional ones changes. The times, the answers I seek, what I present of myself. I don't care if explorer seek me just for their pleasure and journey, I'm just the guide helping them. But in my personal dynamics, fuck the person who dares to reach out to me seeking me to give them anything without them to be ready to comply with my rules. Reason for this? The degree of involment and what I put on the line.
Don't be sneaky, everyone knows “I just want to get to know you, Mistress” is code for “I want your time for free, and offering nothing and hoping if we chat enough you’ll give me a free session”
Everyone knows, except the dumb guys who try it…
All I can say to you is. . .
Good luck, darling, you’re gonna need It!
Now you know it’s not as simple as sliding into someone’s DMs with a list of kinks and demands. It’s about respect, effort, and a little bit of charm. . .okay, a lot of charm. Go forth, put in the work, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find a Domme who’s willing to take you under Her leather-clad wing.
Remember: approach with respect, bring your best self to the table, and leave your entitlement at the door. And if you can’t manage that, well, don’t be surprised if you’re met with the cold, hard reality of being left on read.
Now, off you go and HAPPY HUNTING! hunting!
Stay safe, keep it sane, make it consensual and have fun with it!
See you on the next one 🜉
