Power Exchange
Unpacking the Essence of Giving and Receiving Control
“To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments…”
Yes, one of the most influential minds of the Siècle des Lumières [Age of Enlightenment] was a very passionate submissive. He especially enjoyed spanking. Which makes Me giggle because I can picture him writing his beautiful philosophical ideas as part of punishment. Proof that the right Mistress with the right submissive can create incredible things. Isn’t that a beautiful thought?
The first lines Rousseau wrote in his work Les Confessions, where:
“I have begun on a work which is without precedent, whose accomplishment will have no imitator. I propose to set before my fellow-mortals a man in all the truth of nature; and this man shall be myself.”
As a fellow mortal, a fellow kinkster and a Mistress those opening lines made me tingle. . .
Power Exchange is one the most talked about BDSMK dynamics yet it’s one of the most misunderstood. As always with BDSMK, power exchange can take many forms. If we think about power dynamics in their purest form, it is not wrong to ensure that bondage, S&m, age play, primal play, dominance and discipline are part of the PES [power exchange spectrum]. If we choose to see it that way then we will have Tops & bottom, which I think not necessarily encapsulate what PE actually is all about. So, maybe we should start talking about what I think really is. . .
Power Exchange; What The Hell Means?
“Dominance and submission [D&S, or D/S]. In exchange for obedience by the submissive, the dominant agrees to care for and work toward the pleasure of both partners. Thus empowered by the sub, the dominant takes control of their scenes and agrees to abide by the limits she sets.
Some people extend D/S roles outside the bedroom, often referring [to] each other as ‘slave’ and ‘master’. Generally, these people consider themselves D/S ‘lifestylers’.
Having the submissive set her own limits leads one to wonder who is really running the show. Where people are doing a now and again role-play, this is a valid question. With a ‘natural’ submissive, however, an innate craving to please her dominant is strong and unquestionable. A ‘natural’ dominant also feels an instinctive need to feel in charge, yet neither can realize these parts of themselves without the other”.
– Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns [1995]
by Molly Devon & Philip Miller
For fucking sake . . . I already know I’m going to be controversial with what I’m going to say but hey, that's me, I like to see the world burn. I call the “natural” anything bs. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns it’s a work of its time [mid 90]. Wasn't until the early 2000s that science started studying BDSMK’ propositions and hypotheses, giving us scientific sustained evidence as answers.
The question whether or not PE should refer only to dominance and discipline, if PE should necessarily include S&m activities or should be able to stand alone, whether it should include sexual activities are some of the most controversial propositions out there. Which I consider very telling because it shows that not even among experienced kinksters and knowledgeable scientist there’s no consensus about what power exchange really means within BDSMK scene. So, PE it’s one of those things that can be bent & twisted beyond recognition. But of one thing I am very sure of it's, power exhange as it is conceptualized within the scene, it has nothing to do with "natural" anything.
Maybe we can only agree on the fact that folks who enjoy PE are mental sexual sensation seekers [MSSS]. While the “bodily pleasure beyond sex” premise is accepted thanks to the argument that bondage and S&m can stimulate the body in non-sexual ways that provoke the same responses that can be expected from a sexual genital orgasm. We can't avoid but wonder whether a purely mental game can achieve the same results. Because never forget that power exchange at it's core it's just mental games. Could there be a pleasure similar to that of an orgasm but that has nothing to do with sexual elements? Do power and control stimulate areas of our brain that open doors to suprasexual pleasures? I only have theories about it. If someone asks me for proof, I can tell that nothing makes me wetter than the absolute obedience of My submissive, that when someone voluntarily offers Me their service I feel the same chills that I feel when I have a clit orgasm. I very much doubt that I am the only one feeling this arousal from non sexual, non physical activities. Which, let’s be honest, it’s pretty unintentionally transgressive; challenge rational notions, brings to the arena motivation and cause into an already very intersubjective dynamic.
But I digress. The only honest answer I can give to the question of what power exchange is all about is that it refers to the consensual exchange of power between a Dominant and a submissive and that dynamics can take many forms, with varying degrees of intensity and structure. I know, it sounds very lame but it’s the most accurate description of PE I have.
Types of Power Exchange Dynamics
There are different kinds of Tops, different kinds of bottoms and they together build different types of PE dynamics. There's nothing set in stone. Can, and will most probably, vary. So, choose your flavor of power, communicate like pros, and enjoy every twist and turn. There's no wrong way to play, just ways to make it uniquely, thrillingly yours.
Discipline
The Top in this kind of PE are called Disciplinarians. Meanwhile, the bottoms are commonly referred to as submissives but as a matter of personal taste I called discipline bottoms anything between the lines of learner/student, anything less submissive because I don’t think they aren’t [what I consider] submissives. Discipline it’s not about imposing power, controlling for the pleasure of it, nor is it about being served. So, using the labels of Dominant or submissive is not accurate.
Disciplinarians tend to be very goal focused. They use structured plans, settled rules and consistent training to instill discipline to Their student. They will use punishment if necessary in order to modify and correct behaviors They deem undisciplined or incorrect. Their methods balance strictness with care, ensuring that the apprentice understands the importance of rules and the consequences of breaking them.
Usually a Disciplinarian and Their trainee will negotiate and agree on the goals they both want to achieve. The Disciplinarian will structure the dynamic, provide guidance, enforce rules, and administer consequences or punishments to promote desired behaviors. This is one of the reasons why people who need “encouragement” to achieve certain goals sometimes look for Pro Disciplinarians. Writers, tech developers, musicians, among others. This dynamic is built on trust, communication, and mutual consent, and can vary widely depending on the preferences and agreements of the individuals involved. Discipline can occur during bondage, but it can also occur whether the bottom is bound or not. It can be performed in a lighter, gentler way or it can happen in more extreme forms, discipline can include impact play or withholding a reward or doing specific tasks.
Types of Discipline
Positive Discipline: encouraging good behavior through praise, rewards, and positive reinforcement. This might include compliments, privileges, or special treats when the pupil follows the rules or achieves specific goals.
Negative Discipline: addressing undesirable behavior through consequences or punishments. This can range from mild to severe, depending on the negotiated limits and preferences. Common forms of punishment include; spanking [or other forms of impact play], loss of privileges [denying certain things or activities that the pupil enjoys], corner time, lecture, written assignments [all of them as a form of reflection on the behavior], physical tasks [unwanted consequences], monitoring behavior [for guidance and correction as needed to stay on track].
Partial Power Exhange [PPE]
Perhaps the most common and popular PE type for a very reasonable reason, it’s limited in its form and duration. PPE is the type of dynamic where both, Dominant and submissive, agree on having a power dynamic limited to only X amount of time while they are doing X thing. This usually means: only when they meet in person, only when they have sex, only when they plan a scene. In PPE relationships the power exchange is limited to specific areas or activities, for example, the sexual conduct, dress code or way of speaking. As always, it can be performed in a lighter manner or it can happen in a more extreme form. Something I found very interesting that PPE seems especially popular [but not limited to] within two specific types of relationships: among the “only playpartners” kinda relationships and the “life partners who spice things up a little bit” kind. I don’t think PPE it’s better or worse, it’s just an option. In a world full of different kinds of people having options it’s a good thing.
Total Power Exchange [TPE]
The Holy Grail!. Most folks say this it’s their goal. There's a lot of conversation around this PE type due to the psychological implications of it. In a TPE relationship, the submissive gives up all control to the Dominant, often in all aspects of their life. This type of dynamic requires a high level of trust and commitment. I think that a conversation should be had about the ethics of this type of dynamic without that impling I’m against it.
TPE raises unique questions and problems concerning emotional relationships, autonomy, erotic and sexual self-determination, which distinguish it from other BDSMK intersubjective engagements. Even if optimal conditions exist within a relationship [almost never], there are still too many variants that can have a negative impact on the relationship and/or on one of the persons involved. Many interdisciplinary teams have studied for the last decade this type of kink dynamic; they have raised a number of interesting issues regarding the formal structure of TPE engagement, the power division between TPE
agents, their subjective descriptive experience, and the sexual versus erotic function.
You may be wondering why all this fuss about TPE. If you have read other articles written by me you know that I always refer to "the operative world/life" and “the world of desires”. These are terms I use to separate fantasy from reality. Well, TPE doesn't want that separation to exist. It rather permeates every part of the human experience of the people involved. TPE occupies a prominent place on the “shady as fuck” list due to this problematic issue. Therefore these power relationships require, at the very least, our scrutiny.
Let’s just say they’re the deep end of the pool with a no floaties allowed rule. When done right, it’s about intense trust and surrender; but if trust, communication, and boundaries go sideways, it can get messy fast. Psychologically speaking, giving up ALL power to another person means your sense of self can start to blur. It’s thrilling... until someone forgets to bring back your boundaries and, oops, suddenly it’s not just a scene, it’s your everyday life feeling a bit off-kilter.
If either party lacks experience, clear boundaries, or, heaven forbid, the Dom/Top has control issues outside of kink, TPE can slide into the unhealthy lane before you know it. For the sub, the risk is losing personal agency or feeling trapped in a dynamic where “no” feels... unavailable. For the Dom, it can be about shouldering all the responsibility, like always being on call without the luxury of being human.
So, the takeaway? TPE is a gorgeous dance when both partners bring honesty, awareness, and -let’s be real- a therapist on speed dial. Treat it like skydiving, intense, exhilarating, but definitely not something you jump into without a double-check on those safety measures.
Role Play [PPRP]
This it’s the most "flexible" and playful type of PE although many will say that it is not really PE, I disagree [of course I do!]. Power play role play [PPRP] involves taking on specific roles within a power dynamic for a defined period of time within specific scenarios. This can include scenarios like Teacher/student, Boss/employee, Mommy/child, Police/delincuent, etc.
Role play it's like spicing up your favorite dish [PE] with a dash of who am I today? It’s not just about throwing on a costume -but yes, bring the outfit!- it’s about stepping into a whole other persona and letting your imagination run wild. In a power exchange setup, role play can take that dynamic to delicious new heights. Think about it: You’re no longer just “Dom” or “sub.” You’re the Evil Queen and her lowly minion, the strict professor and the eager “student,” the mob boss and, well, whoever dares to cross Her 😈.
Start with a simple story idea. Maybe it’s a scenario where one of you holds
all the cards [total control, anyone?], or you play with authority through roles that give your power dynamic a little twist. Even adding a little “character prep” -like setting expectations or adding an accent- can make the scene feel like a mini-movie starring just the two of you.
And remember, role play is a judgment-free zone; there are no wrong ideas, only characters you haven’t fully embraced yet. So pick a role, dive in, and let your alter-ego take control... or surrender. 😉
Key Aspects of Power Exchange
“The [BDSMK] subculture has a highly sophisticated ethos to guide erotic play, which comprises ethical codes, safety rules, and communication tools”
– Different Loving [1993]
by Gloria Brame; William Brame & Jon Jacobs
Will never cease to amaze me that while the “depraved ones” choose to follow ethical codes, the sinless monogamists deny the need for such guidelines. Although I’m going to write from the vision and reality of a BDSMK dynamic, these aspects should be present in ALL romantic-sexual relationships. From now on I’m going to formulate my ideas from the PE point of view but apart from the role factor, which varies depending on each dynamic, all other aspects apply to all BDSMK dynamics. Even if I will refer only to PE dynamics, in which there’s a clear Dominant and a submissive, which might make you believe it will make my task -of explaining PE- easier [that assumption would be completely wrong because, what the hell is a Dominant and who seeks to submit to them?], you may find other archetypes since I will be quoting the words of great BDSMK legends.
Roles
Dominant
Short ultra simplified answer: the person who takes on the role of authority, the one exercising control in the dynamic. Long ass real answer, fuck me, here I go with one of My hot takes. PE is one of the BDSMK’s dynamics in which gender determines how a role might be assumed and/or how a dynamic is likely to be focused. Trying my best to keep this as non controversial as possible, but I know I'm going to raise dust because I'm writing about reality, not about magical thinking or theory.
Male Dominants [Doms] are different from female Dominants [Dommes]. Please read carefully, I am not saying that one is inferior to the other, or anything between those lines, I’m just saying They are different. My experience has allowed me to observe that while Doms are motivated by the possibility of doing things [to Their subs] without restrictions, Dommes are motivated by the idea of letting things be done [by Their subs] with restrictions.
Which it’s extremely interesting to me. Another thing I have learned is, while Doms tend to demand constant sexual services from Their subs; Dommes tend to limit and conditioning, or even completely remove the sexual aspect from it. Again, how incredibly interesting that it’s!
Theory [without any type of proof whatsoever]: the difference between Doms and Dommes stem from the fact that what motivates male identifying people is different from what motivates female identifying people. The search for control is to have access to what They -under regular circumstances- do not have. This being partially “proven” [again, there’s no real proof of any of this shit] for the fact that the majority of men who in their operative life are actually powerful when it comes to sexual scenarios prefer to take a submissive role; in the other hand and curiously enough the bitchiest and meanest Dommes tend to be soccer moms. Shut out to all Karens out there!
Anyhow, what’s important you to know it’s that Dominants are like any kink folk out there. They don’t have super power, nor They can read your mind or force you to do anything you don’t want to. Sure, good Dominants have some pretty cool skills They continue to hone over the years. Especially those of us who enjoy mind fucking others.
“D&Sers are intrigued by power. In some respects they are as responsible as mainstream individuals for perpetuating the myths about dominants as ruthless or imperious. Nowhere is this truer than among people who have evolved their fantasies and understandings about power relationships from cult books (such as die novels of de Sade, Pauline Reagc, John Norman, and Anne Rice) and die seemingly limitless supply of fetish and S/M pornography. The literature that kindles so many fiery fantasies depicts characters who are almost always one-dimensional, no doubt because the purpose of most S/M-oriented literature is specifically licentious and not concerned with reality.
Novice D&Sers may believe that dominants are singularly appointed, semimystical creatures endowed with the power to reduce submissives to craven supplicants. This charming fantasy often succumbs to the reality of humanity among those who seek full-fledged relationships. Many who confine their experiences to episodic encounters, however, prefer to cling to the fantasy of the dominant as ubermensch (or uberfrau).”
– Different Loving [1993]
by Gloria Brame; William Brame & Jon Jacobs
I couldn't have said it better. Of course, Dominants, females or males are not a monolithic figure. While some Dominants are into hardcore impact play, others are turned on by high protocol. Some Dominants see Themselves as body tamers, others as mind breakers/modifiers; some like to believe They are royalty, meanwhile there are a bunch that believe that the opposite gender is inherently inferior. Overall, Dominants are likely to be more than just that, as the majority of Them experiment with a broad range of fantasies and activities. There are few selective -according to my knowledge- Dominants that stay strictly within the reign of the mind control.
I think it’s important to remember that Top is not the same as Dominant. While the Top it’s the active part of a dynamic without necessarily exercising control over their bottom; the Dominant will always base Their dynamics on the principle of exercising control over Their submissive's actions, regardless if it’s through physical and/or mental actions.
submissive
“I don’t have limits, you can do whatever you like to me, I’m ready to be used and abused”. Can’t say exactly how many times I have heard or read that statement. Many people, even within the scene, think about the submissive as a brainless, spineless thing ready to be taken and used. A chivalrous submissive recently told me: "I'm submissive but I'm no one's doormat". Somehow I found very sad that he feels the need to clarify that but I understand why he does it. Funny enough many of the people thinking this way identify as submissives. So, there is that. Now, let’s move on.
Submission is an interesting thing. We understand as a submissive someone who relinquishes control over their own actions and follows the other’s lead in exchange of . . . Submission, in the context of operative life, is defined as an act of subjugation, resignation or defeat, is the act through which one acknowledges the other’s superiority and authority. BDSMK’ definition of submission it’s a little different. At least the one I believe in. Submission is the act through which no having control can be explored while having control
over such experience. "WHAT?" Is what you sure be thinking about now. You don’t believe me? What do you think negotiation is? What do you think checklists are for? Sure, some "dominants" [the lower d explains how I feel about this group!] are of the opinion that a sub that "likes having opinions" it’s trying to Top from the bottom. While some questionable characters within the community say that a Dominant that cares about Their sub’s opinions is a Service Top not a Dominant. First, FUCK THEM!, Secondly, I do not agree with any of those opinions. I have my own point of view -I always have one- of course I do, it is me after all. As always with BDSMK there are many types of subs. Some subs like the humiliation part, some like to serve in a more “honorable manner”, others like to be empty of all thought -which it's unrealistic- ready to be used. Not all submissives are suitable for all Dominants. A mind focused Dominant will NOT enjoy having maso-sub. Same as a body tamer Dominant wouldn’t enjoy having a service sub.
I strongly believe that submission must be earned and appreciated. Just as I believe that the right for attention from a Dominant must be earned and appreciated. Both, Dominant and submissive need to prove to the other they are the perfect match for their PE type and that they have the skills to indulge their specifics needs. One of the reasons I don’t trust anyone who comes to Me offering their unwavering submission without even knowing Me it’s because I see submission as the maximum expression of exposure and trust. You can’t do either with a total stranger. A sub engages in the supreme form of nakedness. Forget about feeling uncomfortable showing your ass, try to put your most innate fears, desires, shames out there while allowing other person to use those to mind fuck you. A skilled Dominant will scoop out of you things that you didn't even know were there. Paradoxically, this can be an act of liberation that brings high emotional gratification.
Let’s remember that a bottom and a submissive are two different roles. You can be a S&m bottom [a masochist] without enjoying being submissive. Can also be the other way around. Physical pain is NOT at the center of submissiveness. Now, here comes one of my [in]famous takes. Brats aren’t submissives, they are bottoms. Again, if we agree in the fact that PE is about having a dynamic in which one holds power and control over the other, how the actual fuck a brat is going to be a sub? They don’t even like to serve for fuck sake. Some Dominants do enjoy having brats, they argue that they [the brats] just need to be "broken" to achieve their full state of submissiveness. I find this a very dangerous route. I can accept the fact the brats are bottoms that enjoy playing with some elements of PE without actually being submissives. But I will never accept that I need to force someone into submission. I will gladly guide you into submissiveness, will NOT push you into it tough.
Switch
By Thor's majestic hammer and shining muscles, let’s make this one short. Take all the shit I said about Dominants and submissives, add a pinch of “I can go whatever I want”, season it with a healthy dose of "I have different needs at different times / different people awake different sides of me" and spray with “I don’t care a fuck” and there you have, a brilliant, marvelous, unique, switch. That’s all I got. So, yeah, good luck. . . that's what I would like to say BUT I myself am a switch, therefore I feel the moral obligation [yeah, even I have morals, deal with it] to do my best with this role so little understood and sometimes so abused
So, let’s start from the beginning and talk about what I think is a switch. At its core, a switch is someone who can embody both the Dominant and submissive roles, usually in different contexts or with different partners. Some switches enjoy alternating roles within a single scene, while others might prefer to stick to one role for weeks, months, or even years before
exploring the other side. They value the ability to fluidly adapt their power role and often feel fulfilled by being versatile and exploring both forms of expression. For switches, embracing this dual nature is a way to explore power and vulnerability, control and surrender, creating a uniquely layered experience. The switch role allows to navigate both sides of the power spectrum, and even though that in theory sounds like a “hell of a ride”, in actuality it’s not. Switches suffer the same misfortune as bisexuals [which I am also], they are seen as people who are confused, who do not take it seriously, who want to take advantage of the role to have the benefits of both worlds, etc. The reality - at least mine - is radically different. I don’t mean that everything listed above is not real, because sadly it is, sadly many people have taken the role of switch and distorted it to the breaking point, but the same can be said of each role within PE. The “switch” is a fascinating role, allows individuals to experience the best -and sometimes the worst- of both sides of PE, which -if they are paying attention- will allow the person to be a hell of a Domme/sub because they know the thought process and bodily sensation of each side. For a switch, the appeal lies in the flexibility to embrace either a Dominant or submissive role depending on the partner, situation, or even the day’s mood. In my case it depends 100% on the person. I cannot -for the life of me- embrace both roles with the same person, most people bring my D side, and some specials ones my s mode 😎 But for all the -theoretical- freedom it brings, being a switch in real life can come with some unique complexities, both personally and within the community.
Now, this role comes with some -at time very ridiculous- challenges.
Misunderstanding and Stereotypes: In a lifestyle where many people identify strictly as Dom or sub, switches can sometimes be misunderstood. They’re occasionally viewed as “indecisive” or “not committed,” particularly by those who believe that power exchange should involve a deep commitment to a single role. This can lead to assumptions that switches are less serious or somehow less genuine in their lifestyle, which can create friction or bias. One of the saddest outcomes of this -dumbass- beliefs it’s that lifestylers when considering a LTR switch usually aren’t part of the consideration list.
Navigating Role Expectations: For switches, deciding on a role within a scene can be tricky, especially if they’re with another switch. Negotiations may require more effort, as both partners must establish boundaries and figure out who’s taking the lead. Sometimes, switches may even feel pressure to “choose a side” depending on the dynamics of a particular play party, relationship, or event. There is always the weirdo who says: "from here-to-here you will be Dominant and then BOOM from here-to-here you will be submissive" as if this shit worked with a ON-OFF button!
Balancing Personal Identity: Switching can blur lines in a way that’s rewarding yet challenging. A person who feels Dominant on some days and submissive on others might struggle when having a LTD, especially in a scene that emphasizes clear roles. This can affect how they view their own kink-alter identity and even how they engage with partners who may prefer a more static dynamic.
Community Reception: Although switches are “accepted” in the community, some purists may see them as “dabblers” rather than serious practitioners of power exchange. This isn’t a universal sentiment, but switches may occasionally find themselves navigating assumptions about commitment or authenticity. For those in structured kink communities or “Old Guard” circles, where tradition often dictates a strong identity as Dom or sub, switches may encounter hesitance or doubt about their role fluidity.
There’s this silly and almost childish idea that switches are often celebrated in BDSMK for their adaptability, insight, and understanding of both sides of power dynamics, I call all that BULLSHIT!. I have been saying this for years and I will continue to say it for many more, the idea that the community is free of prejudice is FALSE. The community’s view of switches is not rosy peachy AT ALL. Yes, many people in the community appreciate that switches can often empathize with both the experiences of a submissive and the responsibilities of a Dominant, which can lead to a uniquely balanced perspective on dynamics. However, there’s sometimes an unspoken bias that suggests “true” commitment means sticking to one role. But as BDSMK culture shifts and diversifies, switches are more widely embraced, particularly within more inclusive and open-minded kink communities.
Now, a lot of people have asked me: “how can I learn how to switch”. You can't. This should come from within you. You can't force what's not there. That said, as I always say, I don't believe in the ideology of natural anything, so I do believe that "switching" can be learned because I consider it an art. But it's like drawing, if you want to draw and you feel that it is something you will enjoy and you are curious about it, that's it, learn it. The same thing happens with switching. The art of switching must call you [allow me my enlightened master in the mountains moment!]. For many, switching isn’t simply about choosing a different role in the moment; it’s about cultivating a balanced approach to power exchange and expressing themselves authentically. For instance, a switch in a long-term poly relationship may lean toward a Dominant role with one partner while embracing a submissive role with another, respecting each relationship's unique power exchange. Switching is a deeply personal experience. It challenges traditional notions of BDSMK roles [which I love] and expands the possibilities for individuals looking to connect, experiment, and grow in their kink journey. Rather than seeing switching as indecision, we should view it as a commitment to exploring the full spectrum of BDSMK and embracing the complexity, insight, and balance it brings.
Communication
“Trust and communication. Making [BDSMK] work is dependent upon developing honest, sincere communication and profound trust. The thing that sinks most sexual relationships, vanilla, [kinky], or otherwise, is the inability to let your partner know what is happening inside you. Let [them] know what pushes your buttons, what you are feeling, and what you fantasize about. It is definitely easier to bare your body than it is to bare your soul, but giving your partner a peek at the real you has a huge payoff. Opening up takes a two level approach; you have to learn to talk frankly, and you have to have a working knowledge of each other's bodies.
Talking. If you are busy hoping your partner will figure out how to twizzle your tweezle the way you like it twizzled, you will be less able to concentrate on the actual twizzling. Conversely, if you are lying there praying [they] [don't] tweak your tweezle with the vice-grips the way [they] did last time. you're going to fight like a hooked salmon every time [they] [reach] for the toolbox. The remedy is talking about it. It takes a little guts, but it gets easier the more you do it [...] Show your partner the parts of your tweezle that raise and lower your eyebrows. Let [them] practice until your eyebrows are zipping up and down like bees' wings [...]
You have to trust your partner to do what you like and stay away from the things that are too much. Find out what your partner's fantasies are. Share yours. Propose scenes that you would like to try. Make up a sexual wish-list and another list of stuff you can't stand and won't tolerate. Discuss each others' limits and swear that you will absolutely not trespass beyond them. (Don't you dare snicker while you are making this oath, it tends to erode trust.) [...]
Don't forget that tastes change as horizons expand. Keep the lines of communication open and your creative juices ever-flowing. This sounds easier than it actually is. You may think you already know all there is to know about your partner and for short periods of time this may be true. However, time alters feelings [...]
The important thing to remember when discussing sexual feelings is that most people are very shy about them and that the emotional impact of sexuality is very deeply ingrained in us. We would like to propose a few guidelines for communicating.
Above all, be respectful! No matter how strange your partner's tastes may seem, they are things that [they] hold very near and dear. Be prepared to bite your tongue in half before you laugh at [their] fetish.
Listen carefully to what your partner is saying. Many people have trouble saying exactly what they mean. If something isn't clear, be gentle, but ask about it until you are sure you understand. Don't argue. If something becomes too difficult to talk about, or if you are having a misunderstanding that you can't seem to overcome, suggest that you think about the problem for a while and agree to discuss it later.
Accept your partner's opinions about [their] sexuality and [themselves]. There is no right or wrong in the area of sexuality and emotions. Conflicting opinions are not invalid, but can present a stumbling block. Try to find a way around the hurdles rather than trying to convince your partner to agree with your viewpoint.
Opening up to someone is hard work. Thank your partner for giving you a part of [themselves] Give [them] a hug and a kiss to show your appreciation [...]”
– Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns [1995]
by Molly Devon & Philip Miller
Why am I adding these long ass quotes?. Beacasue I always add those, but most importantly it's important to know what the leader voices are saying. Why can’t I just make it short and easy? Because I write for grown ass adults who are actively seeking to engage in risky physical and psychological activities that may impact them for life when done incorrectly. If you are getting bored of reading or you think I over complicated things and you just want to go ahead and put ropes in someone’s body while calling them all sort of thing while you fuck them in the ass -don’t get me wrong, all of it can be fun if done well but when you don't know how to do it can cause bodily and mental injuries- you are the scum of the earth. If, on the other hand, you are one of those who are willing to let everything be done to you just because you saw it in a porn and it turned you on, I wonder what you did after watching The Avengers. You better keep this shit in mind from now on, there are no shortcuts here, no one has to be your babysitter here. Although we use words like “play” and talk about “fun”, this is serious, as serious as it can be to train for a high-impact sport or for a first responder job. Yes, I try to make it as digestible, funny and short as possible but I'm not willing to sacrifice valuable information just because today's brains can only tolerate 30 seconds of information before they feel bored. FUCK THAT! But I digress.
Communication. Communication. Communication.
“Hey, girl, stop what you're doin'. Hey, girl, you'll drive me to ruin [...] Communication breakdown, it's always the same. Havin' a nervous breakdown, a-drive me insane”
Led Zeppelin was onto something.
It is no secret to anyone that communication is fundamental. It’s through communication that we build all kinds of relationships. Even if everybody knows how important communication is, we are never taught how to properly do it. We are taught to obey, to follow others just because they are older or claim to know more, not to complain out loud or we will make others uncomfortable and we may be disliked. But within kink the need for honest and direct communication is more than just for pleasure and laughs, is VITAL.
Trust, empathy, negotiation, consent, fantasies’ fulfillment, exploring new things, pushing limits, and much more, all possible thanks to COMMUNICATION. I always talk about doing whatever it’s necessary for having the fuck of a lifetime, well: Talk about sex before having sex. Talk about sex while having sex. Talk about sex after having sex. And if anyone tells you: “you talk a lot”, “talking isn’t fun, better doing”, “actual kinksters don’t talk, they do”, walk away.
Negotiation
“[...] you tend to feel safe if you act safely yourself. Take responsibility for yourself. A bottom who is aware of [their] physical and mental limits and knows what [their] own body responds to, should not be a threat to a competent top [...] Never do something you don't want to do [...] Insist on your right to stop a scene if and when you feel it's necessary […] Do not feel guilty about not ‘having the skills’ to save the scene. If you want to bail out, bail out. Also, remember that a top has the right to terminate a scene if and when she feels it's necessary, however unpleasant this news might be [...] Realize that some fantasies simply do not translate into reality [...] Think about what you're asking for. Don't request the impossible, then yell at your top for not being able to supply it [...] Don't feel guilty about [expressing] what you want”.
– The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual [1988]
edited by Pat Califia
Everything in a relationship should be talked about, negotiated and agreed upon. Again, nobody taught us that. Fucking properly comes along with doing everything we weren’t taught. That sounds about right for an anarchist like me, right? But it's the truth.
We can all agree that “negotiation” is a cotton dry ass word as to be part of the erotic vocabulary. Yet, here we are. Why negotiation instead of "agreement"? Not sure. But as always, I have a theory, because of course I have one. Agreeing -according to me- involves reaching a concrete agreement on certain specific terms for a short and specific period of time. Well, what about "pacting"? I think that for every person who loves history -like me- the word pact has that tingling sound of “after the war those who won forced those who lost to pact”, but hey, perhpas I'm the only one thinking about this. Anyhow, negotiating involves a process of communication, commitment and responsibility to reach agreements of mutual satisfaction, while pacting specific actions to prevent conflict. The important part is building a healthy and satisfying relationship. Period.
When negotiating focus on 6 key points:
1. Determine what type of dynamic/relationship you want to build.
2. Clarification of roles and personal contexts.
3. Expressing desires and establishing limits.
4. Set up a risk, safety and emotion management plan.
5. Giving and receiving Informed consent.
6. Strengthening trust and intimacy.
Negotiation should be:
✔ Honest.
✔ Safe.
✔ Private.
✔ Responsible.
✔ Empathic.
✔ Constant.
The negotiation should aim to:
✔ Developing trust.
✔ Managing expectations,
✔ Anticipating possible disruptive issues.
✔ Increasing the chances of satisfaction.
If you want to know more about my opinion about BDSMK’ communication and negotiation check my books Abby’s Checklist & The Fine Print of Kink!
Consent
“Consent-explicit, informed verbal approval after negotiation, a confident and secure “Yes! ”—is the bedrock of sex and relationships, and one of the most significant elements of kink. It’s what separates kink from abuse [...] Securing consent from a partner is a necessity, and this holds true whether the person is brand-new to you, you’ve played together more than a dozen times, or you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. Never assume anything. When you ask for consent, you clearly speak your part in the exchange: I need to know you’ve agreed to this before we begin. Giving your consent to a partner prior to a scene is absolutely critical. It establishes that you’re ready, willing, and able to proceed: you’ve discussed what’s likely to happen, shared any concerns, talked about your limits, and agreed to dive in. When you give consent, you do so willingly, without pressure, coercion, or reservation. You agree to play, communicate during the scene, and stop if you need to.”
– The Ultimate Guide to Kink [2012]
edited by Tristan Taormino
Most of us were born into a “we don’t talk about that” household, that it's a fact. I, like so many people, have been socialized not to talk about sex because it makes people uncomfortable, because only “vulgar” women talk about such things, because “it kills the mood”. This is the context in which we speak and negotiate, the waters on which consent navigates are muddied. No one taught me how consent looks like. I was taught that as a woman if I want to be liked I need to say yes, even if was uncomfortable for me. “It’s not a huge deal” after all.
Despite what lauded books, authors and renowned sex educators say, consent is much more than saying yes. Consent is not about yes or no. Consent is a constant dialogue. Its existence depends on the context. Consent it’s not for life. Consent is conditioned on the fulfillment of specific circumstances for it to be real and valid. Consent is the thin line that divides BDSMK from physical, sexual and psychological abuse. So, yeah, you might say that talking constantly about consent it’s kinda important. Yet, most people just do lip-service. They don’t really educate about it. Well. that isn’t me. I’m not afraid of being called a pain in the ass, party killer or whatever [not at all] ingenious names people may comeout with.
It’s necessary to insert here a very important difference between legal consent [to stay out of trouble] and ethical consent [for the sake of being a decent human being]. Most people think there’s not a difference between those. I mean, who hasn't heard or even said: “what happens between two consenting adults is no one's problem”. Legal does not necessarily mean ethical, just as law it’s not equal to justice. This shouldn’t be controversial at all. Legally speaking everyone under the legal age of consent can engage in sexual activities. The thing is, the “legal age of consent" in some countries drops to the [what the hell were they thinking] age of 11 years in Nigeria; followed by the Philippines and Angola with 12 years; Niger, Comoros, and Burkina Faso where the age of consent is 13 years old; followed for Germany, Italy, China, Portugal, Hungary, Austria, Serbia, Albania, Bulgaria, Estonia, Montenegro, Brazil, Colombia, Perú, Paraguay, Ecuador and Bolivia where the age of consent is 14 years old; but don’t be alarmed, here come the voice of reason from the hand of France, Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, and Slovenia where the age of consent is slightly higher at 15 years; surely the 16 years old of the powerful, correct and moral compasses of UK, USA [most states] Canada, Switzerland, Netherlands, Finland, Belgium and Norway [among others] doesn’t sound as bad compared with the rest of this list, isn’t it? Legal DOES NOT equal to ethical. Consent SHOULD ALWAYS BE ethical. Period. And here I will drop a very, very unpopular hot take of mine [I'm packed with them]. No one under 25 y.o, woman, man, anunnaki or anything in between, should be actively engaging in BDSMK activities. Why you ask? Read my take on consent, and safe and sane
It is the ethical part within consent that differentiates abuse from a healthy fun relationship. Because, again, consent it’s not about saying “Yes”, “Sure, why not?”, or even “I want to do it, let’s do this!”. None of those are equal to consent. They might sound like it. Some morons can argue are clear signs of consent. But they are not. You know why? Because there are a series of necessary conditions for real consent to be given. Knowledge, voluntariness, willingness and mental competence, these are the 4 fundamentally necessary conditions for consent.
Would you indulge the idea of a 16 year old kid thinking that by working half time where the pay it’s $15 per hour they can go to college, live by themselves, go to the most aesthetic places to enjoy all the viral foods and drinks, go to all the parties, buy all the trendy clothes, all the fun toys, and graduate debt free, all of it without any help? Right, that’s magical thinking. How naive a person needs to be to believe such thing it’s even possible, right?. Haven’t they seen how expensive living costs are nowdays? Just rent it’s insane, right? Do you understand where I'm going with this?
Legally, we are told that everyone who has reached a certain age has already achieved sufficient understanding to make complex decisions, the exception being those with cognitive disabilities, of course. But believing this is factual is absolute bs. It is clear that the age of consent has always been thought from the point of view of benefiting to the one who receives the consent, not the one who gives it. And, who do you think those receiving are? [MEN!] But of course, everyone knows “age it’s just a number”. I mean, R. Kelly made a 14 year old Aaliyah [one of his numerous victims] sing about it. It’s just common knowledge. It’s not a big deal. Right?
If anyone sees consent as a mere legal protection tool, something we do only “to avoid getting into trouble with the law,” the ethical framework does not exist. Therefore they are human trash. I'm not open to discussion about this.
Even the most controversial ethical framewor talks about keeping sanity. These frameworks remind us that our responsibility includes the physical, emotional and mental well-being of our partners. They never tell us how to work around the law, how to hide evidence or how to force a yes. Most frameworls trust that we know the importance of ethics and that we have a decent amount of willingness and ability to be a kinkster and still be a decent human.
Responsibility and accountability need to be at the center when discussing ethics within kink. For so long and so often I have heard and read people saying “you are responsible for your choices and actions, don’t put blame on others”. That it’s not only irresponsible but also frankly stupid. You need to be unaware of how the fucking world works for you to say that with your full chest. Acting ethically implies acknowledging that our actions impact on others and assuming responsibility for that. Meaning, acting like a freaking adult.
Ethics
“As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, create spiritual awareness, even change the world. And, furthermore, we believe that all consensual sexual choices have these potentials that any sexual pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities [...] We see ourselves as people who are committed to finding a place of sanity with sex [...] We see ourselves first and foremost as individuals, with virtues and faults and diverse differences. We are people who like sex, and who like many diverse kinds of people [...] We value sex for the pleasure it brings us, and the good times we get to share with however many wonderful people [...] We are ethical people, ethical sluts. It is very important to us to treat people well and not hurt anyone. Our ethics come from our own sense of Tightness, and from the empathy [...] It is not okay with us to hurt another person because then we hurt too, and we don't feel good about ourselves. Ethical slutdom is a challenging path [...] However, we're sure you've figured out by now that to us, being a slut doesn't mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.
So in this slightly disorienting world of slut hood in which everything your mom, your minister, your spouse and your television ever told you is probably wrong, how do you find your ethical center?
Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic. Is anyone being harmed? Is there any way to avoid causing that harm? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what can be done to minimize them? And, on the positive side: How much fun is it? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone to grow? Is it helping make the world a better place?
First and foremost, ethical sluts value consent. When we use this word [...] we mean "an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned". If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to or ignored, what is happening is not consensual. And sex which is not consensual is not ethical-period.
Ethical sluts are honest- with ourselves and others [...] Ethical sluts also recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. We see that our emotions, our upbringing and the standards of our culture often conflict with our sexual desires. And we make a conscious commitment to supporting ourselves and our partners as we deal with those conflicts, honestly and honorably.
We do not allow our sexual choices to have an unnecessary impact on those who have not consented to participate. We are respectful of others' feelings, and when we aren't sure how someone feels, we ask.
Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should control, and things they can't”.
– The Ethical Slut [2nd Edition; 1997]
Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
I can't say it better than them. Yet, here are my two cents. I can’t conceive a safe, sane, healthy and caring relationship/dynamic without ethics as part of it. Sexual or otherwise. Someone once told me: “if I wanted to be controlled by ‘vanilla’ [for Zeus sake, how much I hate that fucking word -vanilla-!] rules I wouldn’t choose to be part of the kink scene”. Why do people think that being a decent human being is “vanilla” beats me. The best theory I have, in which people aren’t just shitty humans, is that they think ethics is about morals. Like in -“lets fight against the immoral people who like to fuck while they get bitten”- kinda vibe. So, here you have a quick round down for you to know the difference between morality and ethics.
Moral: highly religious, push social, usually patriarchal, rules. It is based on a system of threat and punishment. Morality it's about the person who possesses morals, and how it should be imposed on others. Always comes from others, it is external, self interpretation isn’t encouraged.
Ethics: stem from empathy and humanistic point of view. It appeals to a higher awareness to be able to make choices based on humanity and not fear of punishment. It comes from ourselves, it is internal. Behaving ethically means doing everything possible to obtain a good result for everyone who has a stake in your actions.
Now go and do the rest of the figure out about how the fuck being ethical by yourself.
Safety
I wrote a whole book about this, The Fine Print of Kink. In it I do a detailed explanation and give real life advice about physical, emotional and psychological safety. So, I will try to keep this one short.
I can’t speak on behalf of an entire community, like every human relationship this community is alive and is always changing. All kink relationships/dynamics are one-of-a-kind, just like any other human relationship. My relationship with my daughters are different from another mother's relationship with her daughter. We may share certain aspects but they will never be exactly the same, because motherhood is not a monolith. Kink relationships are the same.
While ethics motivates us to practice mental gymnastics when deciding which moral rules to follow and which to discard; safety tells us to stick to the plan, mental gymnastic is not necessarily applauded.
SSC, RACK, PRICK and 4C are the main BDSMK ethical/safety frameworks publicly acknowledged. Go and check the section we dedicated to this very important subject.
I want to closed the safety part with the following quote:
“[...]While there seem to be different levels and intensities of caring that vary between people across their various social relationships, we can commonly acknowledge a basic and inherent caring of people simply for being fellow human beings [...] The inclusion of caring in a BDSM negotiation motto reflects an ethical stance while acknowledging individuals as unique human beings. The form of caring (i.e., level of trust and intimacy of relationships among participants in a scene) also shapes the qualitative experiences of BDSM [...] specific BDSM activities may not necessarily be commonly perceived to be safe, yet people may be aware of the risks and consensually engage in such activities [...] We are by no means advocating that BDSM participants simplistically discard important medical knowledge. Such knowledge should be appreciated and carefully considered”
– From “SSC” and “RACK” to the “4Cs”
Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 17, July 5, 2014
D J Williams, PhD
Center for Positive Sexuality (Los Angeles) and Department of Sociology (Idaho State University)
Jeremy N. Thomas, PhD
(Idaho State University)
Emily E. Prior, MA
Center for Positive Sexuality (Los Angeles) and College of the Canyons
M. Candace Christensen, PhD
University of Texas at San Antonio
Elements of Power Exchange Dynamics
Repeat after me, each dynamic is unique, there are no two identical dynamics. That means dynamics will work differently from the rest. That said, there are certain elements that are usually found within PE dynamics.
Protocolos & Rituals
One of the most abstract and psychological elements of this type of dynamic, also one of the most beautiful. I identify as a big fan of it. Protocols and rituals are more than for the reinforcement of the power structure, they offer a mindful non-sexual way to intimate. This can include specific ways of addressing each other, routines or special ceremonies.
Rules & Discipline
Each Dominant will set Their unique set of rules for Their submissive to follow. Something that is little talked about is the fact that the rules are not only for the sub, but also for the Dominant. If a Dominant isn’t able to follow Their own rules how the fuck will pretend other to do it? Rules implies a punishment and reward system in place to help in the enforcement of it.
Service & Obedience
HUGE fan of it!. Service it’s the purest form of showing submission. Even though submissives are required to be obedient to their Dominant’s commands, they [subs] may also engage in acts of service to please the Dominant, such as performing chores, preparing meals, or other tasks.
Training & Development
Some Dominants [I'm some Dominant!] find joy in training Their submissives in certain skills or behaviors even if They aren’t Disciplinarians. Aiming for the submissive’s personal growth and development within the dynamic is something that all good Dominants should strive for. . .gatekeeping comes withn the "kink title" lol.
So, there you have it, Power Dynamics 101! Whether you're leaning into a Dom/sub vibe, testing out a little role-switching, or eyeballing the intricate tango of Total Power Exchange, remember: this is your journey. Power play isn’t a “one-type-fits-all” deal. It’s a custom order with your personal flair, tastes, and boundaries. As you may have already concluded, talking about everything that is comprised within power dynamics is something that is not easy or quick, not when you really want to understand it. I recommend that you continue learning and listening to other authors before reaching your own conclusions about it. So, explore the playground, find what feels right, and, for the love of all things kinky, COMMUNICATE. Because nothing says “power” like owning your desires and making sure everyone else is on board. Now go forth and let the power games begin—just don’t forget the ethics! 😉
Stay safe, keep it sane, make it consensual and have fun with it!
See you on the next one 🜉
