Female bottoms
Dumping the "submissive" Trope
“Standard mythology would have you believe that a bottom is a passive, disempowered, self-destructive, needy, whining wimp. We hope you will refrain from believing these things about yourself. We suggest that you see yourself as a full-power bottom”
- The New Bottoming Book
by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
BDSMK is packed with labels. From roles, to dynamics, to practices, to frameworks. It seems that there’s a definition for each single thing with its respective label. Labels that help us to navigate the murky waters we like so much to sail on. The bottom label is one of those. Knowing who clench the bottom label helps us to have an idea of who we are talking to; nevertheless, it doesn't provide real context to manage our expectations. I mean, bottom interpretation ranges from receiving, to passive, to obedient, to feisty. Although, many people use bottom and submissive interchangeably and they can in fact overlap, these roles aren’t synonyms.
Far beyond ironies, leaving any passive aggressive feeling or “wokeness”, I truly believe that female bottoms are some of the most misunderstood archetypes within kink. Might be due to gender based sexual scripts where men and women are expected to behave differently [?]. Specifically, traditional heterosexual sexual scripts. The traditional cultural script for feminine sexuality emphasizes the idea that men appreciate women based on the extent to which they [women] allow access to them [men] to their sexuality. Give sex to men; “sex is something that all women provide for men in committed relationships”. This would explain the interesting singularity that while the majority of dominant women can establish long term sex-free power relationships, the majority of dominant men establish power relationships where sex is at the center of the dynamic [of course they do 😑 ]. Therefore, the first things a woman should consider when contemplating the idea of assuming a submissive role within a power dynamic are: “Do I want sex to be part of my kink experience? Do I know where my personal limits lie regarding certain practices that could be highly sexual? Do I have the skills to set clear sexual boundaries?”. Because the uncomfortable truth is that there is a high probability that a male dominant will ask [aka demand] some type of direct sexual act.
What the heck is a bottom?
If you think being a bottom is just about sitting back and following orders, think again. Beneath every great Top is an even greater bottom, a partner who brings their own wit, willpower, and sometimes a deliciously defiant streak to the table. This article peels back the layers on what it truly takes to be on the receiving end with skill and style, from understanding boundaries to mastering the art of resilience. So, let’s dive into the thrill of submission, where surrender is an art form, and every act has its own brand of power.
As always, we need to go back to history to understand. Just in case you don't know, BDSMK scene owes much of its iconography, aesthetics, ethical frame [or lack of it] and vocabulary to leather culture [aka mainly white male gay kink/S&M community]. I recommend you to take a look to the article about The History of Perversion, to learn how leather dykes helped shaping BDSMK and the first wave of feminism at the same time. Anyhow, the term bottom comes from them, the male gay community, more specifically, leather community.
Now, the “true” meaning of bottom [vs submissive] is an ongoing debate amongst kinksters. Yet, many believe that those meanings should come from within and shouldn’t be defined for outsiders to the dynamic. I kinda agree with that. But I also believe that having a point from which our own ideas stem from can [and usually is] helpful. So, here what I think is the best “definition” for bottom.
A bottom is someone who agrees to be the receiving part of an activity, without that meaning they are submissive or passive.
Period. Something to consider is that a bottom is not necessarily part of a power dynamic. Hence, they aren’t required to be submissive. You can say that bottoms are looking for sensations more than power imbalance. This is why you can find Dominants who have no problem bottoming, because by doing so they do not lose their authority within the power exchange. A simplistic straightforward way of looking the difference between bottom and submissive is:
bottom = enjoys to receive physical stimulations [to be tied, to be beaten, to be fucked, etc]
submissive = enjoys someone exercising power over them [follow someone else's rules, serving to someone, etc]
We could say that ALL submissives are bottoms, but not all bottoms are submissives. Here I interject a personal theory. What actually makes the biggest difference between a bottom and a submissive is their motivation. This is why you can fin on guide [Abby's Checklist] a section for emotional motivation [internal motivation]
What Do You Want From bottoming?
Many people think that bottoming is all fun and games until they face a Top with level 5 experience. You have to remember that a dynamic/scene is not something that is just for your enjoyment. There's at least one more person who will expect some kind of pleasure from it. If you want to be taken seriously for good Tops you better have your shit figured out before asking for consideration.
We already establish that bottom and submissiveness aren't the same yet bottoming gives us a chance to explore an array of feelings, roles and interactions. Anger, loss of control, helplessness, fear, passivity, rebelliousness, forgiveness, objectification, resentment, victimhood, redemption, neediness, innocence, being nurtured, lust, abandonment, loss of power, belonging, shame, catharsis, humiliation, competence. There are so many feelings that are not part [and shouldn't be part] of our operative life and that we still want to explore for whatever reason. I have learned that each internal motivation is connected with a certain type of activities, which at the same time is connected with a certain type of dynamic, resulting in the type of bottom that we are. For example; if you want to feel fear you might want to engage in a hunt where you are the prey; or perhaps you want to be nurtured in which case maybe engaging in a scene where you are cared for -babygir, pet, princess- will give you exactly what you are looking for! You can shape your bottom self to become in a victim, a sex slave, a sex object, a brat, a servant, a whore, cherished doll, prisoner, captive, badgirl, etc. You just need to know yourself, be willing to explore and comunicate with the person with whom to explore. Negotiate how to achieve your ultimate goal, agree on what you [both] will and won’t do within the context of this dynamic/scene. Vet the Tops skills, make your consent and boundaries clear, make sure your ethical frameworks are compatible. And above all, keep your curiosity alive. Being a bottom, from this view, means you can trust your Top will use the activity [bondage, impact play, sensation play, etc] to arise that feeling you are looking for. You can even [or may not] enter in subspace [endorphins!].
bottoms, bottoms, bottoms
Welcome to the Wonderful World of the Female Bottom, From Sassy Brats to Loyal Pets!
Whoever said submission was simple clearly hasn’t met the full lineup of female bottoms in BDSMK. We’re talking about a cast of characters more diverse than a reality show: the loyal slaves, the playful brats, curious pets, dedicated servants, and daring rope bottoms, all bringing their own brand of fire and finesse. Each role is a carefully crafted art form, balancing surrender and sassiness in ways that only a true bottom can pull off. So buckle up [or, you know, strap in], because exploring the depths of these different roles will be a wild ride.
I'm praying to Aphrodite in the hope that by now you've got it ingrained in your brain that bottoms and submissives are different species. Female bottom roles are as varied and nuanced as the personalities behind them. While some bottoms thrive on surrendering control, not every one of them is out to submit, and not all dynamics hinge on power play. For some, being a bottom is about sensation over submission, embracing the thrill of the physical experience without a Dominant calling the shots. For others, it’s a role that’s playful, rebellious, and on their terms.
Whether you’re a brat poking the limits, a rope enthusiast getting lost in the knots, or a sensation-seeker, female bottoms exist well beyond conventional definitions. They push boundaries, rewrite rules, and keep things exciting, proving that being a bottom isn’t about fitting into a single box, but about exploring your desires in ways that work for you. So next time someone assumes that being a bottom means taking orders, remind them . . .
bottoms come in all flavors, and submission is only one option on the menu!
Demo bottom
A demo bottom, sometimes called a demo dolly, is someone that is bottoming for the purposes of a Demonstration. This person is generally selected for their extensive experience and comfort with the activity being demonstrated as well as their comfort with the person performing as Top. This it’s done to ensure that nothing unexpected occurs to ruin the demonstration for those who are there to learn.
Performance bottom
A performance bottom is much like a demo bottom, but far more specialized and indulgent in the areas of showmanship. The performance bottom serves as a core piece and instead of merely demonstrating, the performance bottom is there to assist in putting on a show as an act of display. This requires a special skill set to generally indulge in making the Top for the scene look amazingly skilled, refined, and talented, the parameters of which will change drastically depending upon what the type of demonstration is being done. Many of these performance bottom techniques will require intense levels of experience and comfort with the Top and the activities to take place, and will often require a lot of rehearsing and taking direction as well.
Rope bottom
In my opinion one of the least understood or more misunderstood bottoms. Somehow, many people seem to believe that just because you like to be tied uo that makes you submissive. WRONG. You can be a rope bunny, a rope bat, a rope monkey, a rope brat, a rope slut or whatever, and still not get turned on by power dynamics. Rope bottoming is not equal to power exchange submissiveness. Sure, you can be a submissive that likes to be tied but also you can be a rope lover who doesn’t need a power dynamic to enjoy yourself.
Now, it’s important to clarify something extremely important, bondage isn’t “soft play”. Actually, I agree with many knowledgeable people who classify it as edge play. Sure, it isn't as visually shocking as blood play, fire play or impact play are but that doesn’t mean it is for those weak of hearts. Rope bottoming requires a good degree of pain processing abilities, because, well, rope can be painful. This doesn’t mean you need to be a masochist to enjoy rope though. Same as with submission, just because you want to be a rope bottom doesn't make you a submissive masochist.
Sad enough, while you can find many people willing to teach how to become a rigger, you can’t find many folks willing to teach how to be a badass rope bottom, and believe Me when I tell you that shit should be tough. Many dangerously ignorant people think bondage “it’s just tying”, but they leave out the important parts of that “just tying”; safety, body awareness, choosing partners, negotiating and more. It’s just tying, when you are doing the basic, in short periods from time to time for a little bit of “bedroom fun”. But when you want to become in a rope bottom it’s a very good idea to learn about anatomy, types of ropes, wrap tensioning and placement, how to use safety shears and much more, because your safety is a shared responsibility between you and the Rigger.
masochist
“Masochist: One who derives sexual pleasure by receiving pain, domination, and/or humiliation, so-named for the genteel musings of the Austrian writer, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. Contrary to popular opinion, the masochist still uses novocaine at the dentist and doesn't proffer her body for vivisection. She will also decline PTA presidential nominations as readily as any non-masochist. It is only pain within the erotic context that she enjoys. Within the scene. the term is often used to distinguish between those with a higher tolerance or enjoyment of punishment as opposed to those who prefer more sensual activities.”
- Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
by Molly Devon, Philip Miller
Uff…I’m frankly bored of having this conversation, you know? It’s exhausting. This is the thing, if people without critical thinking enter the scene and read
a book considered "the kink bible" and take what is written there at face value, we are screwed. And I use the “we” because having a bunch of people spreading nonsensical shit hurts us all. Now, I’m not saying that Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns isn't a “most read” work. Because you should read it for sure. I’m just saying, when you do read it, please do it in an intelligent manner. Read several authors, look for different points of view and above all, use your critical thinking!.
If we are going back to 1.870 and use Sacher-Masoch as “plot device” we need to talk about how that little fucker didn’t care about consent, I mean, anyone who read his rubbish of a book knows that he forced that poor woman to take on a role she didn't wanted. He used the concept of "love" to manipulate Wanda into doing something she neither understood nor wanted, and then gaslit her to convince her that she enjoyed it. He manipulated, directed and used Wanda. Not very submissive or slave of him, right?! Much more so, although Leopold did not say ages, it is believed that the character, Wanda, was between 20 and 24 years old while Severin was in his late 40s or early 50s! [predatory ass fuck]. Severin is a horrible character. If we are going to give to this asshole a kink tag other than predator, then we should use the Top bottom tag. Unfortunately, he is a character that not only exists in the confines of the pages of this mediocre book that brings nothing to the table. I have had the unpleasant experience of meeting guys like him in real life, though. But I digress, let’s talk about pain bottoms aka masochists.
Simply put, a masochist is a person who specifically enjoys receiving physical pain. Do no need to enjoy humiliation or submission. Their pleasure derives from strictly physical activities in which their body is subjected to pain within an erotic context. PERIOD. A masochist’s pleasure it’s solely based on their own bodily sensations rather than being turned on by being "used" to gratify their partner's desires. Masochists do not enjoy servitude, humiliation, giving up control, receiving orders, giving sexual service or anything that involves giving to a third party. But be careful, sometimes a sensualist bottom can be confused with a masochist, and they are not the same. I'm not saying submissive masochists don't exist, I'm just trying to keep defitions clean.
pet
I just want to make this very clear from the get go, pet play is not the same as furry. They may look similar and exist in the same “universe” but they are NOT the same!. Let's move on now.
It’s usually thought that a person who enjoys being a pet is also a submissive; as I have already repeated several times in this article, being submissive has nothing to do with the different manifestations of bottoming. Yes, someone can enjoy being submissive and pet, but these two can exist independently of each other.
Apparently there is no consensus regarding what pets do or not do. As everything in BDSMK. Each dynamic works differently. Pet play can be sexual or non-sexual, depending on the individuals involved and the type of relationship/dynamic formed.
Working pony, wild fox, nervous bunny, fighty kitten, playful puppy, cute piglet, cow and much more. I have heard of all kinds of pets. There is no such thing as one correct way to be a pet, the important thing is that you choose the right Owner/Handler/Trainer [pet Top] for you. If you decide to give free rein to your wild fantasies and own your animal spirit, be ready for muzzles, tails, cages, leashes and other fun gear.
You can find much more info about most relevant kinks and roles on my book; “Fetishes, Kinks, Roles and Dynamics”.
babygirl
If I had a fucking dollar for every argument I have had about the Daddy/babygirl dynamic I did be on vacation on the French Riviera. Misunderstood, distorted, manipulated, little spoken, little studied and ethically questionable, this dynamic and its roles are murky territory. Will do my best to shed some light on it.
Let's start by establishing the most important [and controversial] part of all; Daddy/babygirl dynamic is NOT an incestuous relationship. Yes, I'm aware of the Dabby and babygirl connotations and I guess that a dynamic is as incestuous as its members. The Daddy/babygirl dynamic though is not about two people eroticizing the Father/daughter bond; instead it is about a woman eroticizing a male nurturing, protective, guiding figure and a man eroticizing the image of the powerless, vulnerable, dependent, infant femme. Yes, keep sounding questionable but point something withing BDSMK that doesn't sound shaddy ass fuck. It’s that kinda fuck up? Yes. But we could say the same about any BDSMK activity, so, just make sure to keep it ethical.
Now, a Mommy/babygirl dynamic it’s a whole different animal. I know people don’t want to hear this but my experience has teach me that gender matters. What you expect from a dynamic, how you view roles, how you approach activities, how you treat your partner, everything is affected by your gender. A Daddy is not in any way the same as a Mommy, a babygirl is nothing like a babyboy. I don’t do the rules, I just talk about them so everyone knows about them.
I have known obedient girls. spoiled girls, rebellious girls, problematic girls. Interestingly enough, I haven't met a submissive babygirl yet. Sure they are out there, in the wild, but they aren’t easy to come across. Yet, all of them shared the desire of being taken care for. And when I write “care for” I don’t mean money wise, I mean, they actually want a guy who’s willing to cum..ups!...comb their hair, who’s aware of their meals, their health, moods, wants . . . babygirls & princess can be a lot of work, they are not for the weak of heart for sure, they are high maintenance for sure.
I have met incredible Daddies, I have met “well-timed” Daddies and I have met shitty Daddies, but there is one thing that they all share, every single one of them, without exception, expected sex from their girls. So, if you choose to become a babygirl, you should expect to face such demand. Of course, it’s up to you to agree or not; no one can force you into something you don’t want to under any circumstances. But it’s important for you to have the knowledge and be prepared. Know that you can be a “temporary” babygirl under role play dynamics or even within a power dynamic, all you need to do it’s communicate with your Top.
There is no handbook or manual on how to build any kind of BDSMK dynamic, and I like it that way. People come in different shapes, colors, sizes, flavors and have different needs/desires. That’s why I always insist on ethics, that should be the supreme rule. Talking about ethics; just because it's called Daddy/babygirl means that a 20 y.o girl with a 65 y.o man it's okay?. NO! Is it legal? Yeah. Is it ethical? Hell no!. And yes, the vast majority of people in this type of dynamic are guys over 40 with girls in their early 20s. Do with that what you will.
princess
I think the P/princess role it’s very interesting because it proves that bottom isn’t equal to submissive, hence the P/p at the beginning. A P/princess desires is to be spoiled, although this is not by definition always materialistic. Praises, compliments, physical touch, taking care of their needs, etc can be deemed as “service” by them. Now, the interesting part is that I have met Princesses and princesses, so, just because a lady calls herself “princess” doesn't mean you will immediately know if they are P or p.
A P/princess can have high standards, both for themselves and their partners. You can’t go into a dynamic with a princess if you don’t enjoy putting in the hard work because they are high maintenance. With the princesses that I have had the opportunity to talk to, I noticed something very interesting. Although I would not describe them as submissive, it is also true that they enjoy and often even demand rules and are especially fans of protocol. Many people describe princesses as “babygirls with a backbone" which again just proves gate-keeping. As always, there are no rules, we freestyle all the way 😎.
brat
I have opinions about this role. . .they can be playful or your worst nightmare. The roles of babygirl, princess and brat are for sure roles that play with the Top/bottom boundaries, which make them very challenging and underappreciated. Which I can't blame anyone for, especially if your thing is power dynamics, these women are not going to be for you. Yeah, sure, a babygirl, a princess and even a brat might play along into a power dynamic for a while but, they will always show their “true colors”.
Many folks categorize brats as a sub-category of submissive role, I do not agree with that, yet that doesn’t mean you can't find a brat that feels like a submissive. Again, this thing we like is wild and should allow us to express ourselves in whatever way we feel like. I feel comfortable saying what I think but not gate-keeping.
As their name suggests, brat is a rebellious and antagonist role. Many babygirls can be bratty, some princesses can display brat behavior just as some brat can show some submissive behaviors. What's sure it's that brats enjoy back talking, resisting, refusing, questioning or any “make me” kind of behavior. Even though a brat’s pushback might look like they are unwilling participants, in actuality they enjoy the process of pushing their Top to the brink of madness in the process of making them comply. These mini-challenges aren’t intended to upset. Instead, these challenges are meant to give the Top the opportunity to prove their skills and willingness while reinforcing a Top’s place and even allows to provide the attention the brat craves. That's the theory at least . . . 🙄
Fun fact, many brats enjoy “funishments”, and they usually misbehave seeking to be punish by their Top. This doesn’t mean that every brat wants physical discipline or gets a release in the same way, of course.
As with princesses, brats don't usually enjoy humiliation and tend to hold themselves to a very high standard. They consider themselves intelligent and capable, which is why they feel so comfortable challenging their Tops. I’m of the opinion that not any Top is suitable for a brat. To be a brat tamer requires a certain skill set that not all Tops have.
servant
We don’t talk enough about this type of bottom. not only is it little known, but those who know it often misunderstand it. Personally, this is the bottom type I enjoy the most in My private dynamics. While slaves are the maximum sum of all types of bottoms, servants are the epitome of the submissive archetype.
Although the role follows the same course as the others [an individual who consensually takes on a bottom/submissive role within the context of a BDSMK], according to my knowledge and experience, it is one of the few roles that withstand the tough test of 24/7 while respecting the lines between reality and fantasy. Of course, there’s no such thing as “the servant playbook”. Each servant is different, just like each dynamic is different. The dynamics and specific activities can vary widely depending on the preferences and agreements of the people involved. I divide servants in 3 main categories: protocol servants, service servants and pleasure servants.
Protocol servants: some people call them “service tops”, I call them knights. Just as a Queen/King had to earn Their knights’ vassalage by showing them why They deserved to wear the crown, thus earning their loyalty, protol servants are usually people who do not offer their submission easily. They tend to enjoy having strict rules and protocols. One of the reasons why knights aren’t for everyone is that they will have no problem calling you out if you break the rules, since they have themselves and their Top in the highest of expectations. Did I say that I LOVE knights?! 😍
Service servant: they use their skills, talents, or knowledge to serve their Top. One of the things I enjoy most about them is the creativity with which they can serve, demonstrating that power exchange can exist far beyond traditional sexual confines. Preparing baths, assisting with dressing, providing massages, making special clothes, cooking unique meals; a service servant has the ability to make their Top’s life an enjoyable ride. Usually they have a very balanced approach to submission and they make power dynamics a delightful experience for any Dominant and very rarely enjoy physical punishment as part of their dynamics, actually they respond better to positive reinforcement.
Pleasure servants: the most submissive among the servants. Even though they will gladly perform household chores such as cleaning, cooking, laundry, and other tasks that their Top assigns to them, their “forte” is “personal service”. Attending to the Top's personal needs is their ultimate goal. While it is easy to confuse them with slaves given their level of "abandonment" to the hands of their Top, this type of servant doesn’t enjoy to feel “forced to” anything and will not sign off their rights. However, they will devote their time and efforts to please their Top's desires and needs.
submissive
"Well [if] I [...] define it [...] it would be [as] the bottom of a power exchange relationship but not necessarily being powerless, you know, essentially submissives kind of when, you know, when you get under it they’re the ones actually running the show, they have to be the ones consenting to these things... it’s not necessarily somebodys who's weak, it’s not necessarily somebody who can’t balance her own checkbook or can’t run her own life or it's just someone, you know, who has a four year old mind and needs to be told what to do because she can’t do it herself... it’s someone who chooses to engage in...in having that sort of dynamic... which is quite nice when it... when it’s a good match"
(Interview with Georgia, February 5, 2011)
- Women’s Perspectives of BDSM Power Exchange
[Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality]
by Emily E. Prior, M.A.
The submissive role is what most people visualize when talking about bottoms but being submissive entails a series of very specific conditions. You call yourself a submissive?? Then, you enjoy power exchange, you enjoy being the person who gives up their self-determination within a power dynamic, your pleasure lies in serving someone, not the pursuit of self-indulgence.
For me, and perhaps this may be somewhat controversial, the enjoyment of serving is the key difference between a submissive and other types of bottoms. A bottom who doesn’t wish to serve but likes to be tied is a rope bottom, not a submissive. Who likes punishments? A masochist or brat. Wait, but also likes humiliation and is very "obedient", might be a toy, a doll, a pet. But a submissive will always want to serve. And no, this is not me trying to gatekeeping the submissive role, just as to be categorized as a masochist you must enjoy receiving bodily pain, to be submissive you must enjoy serving, it's that simple. What does your service look like? that is a whole nother conversation
Another important turning point is, being submissive does not mean that you are submissive to everyone, that you are submissive in your operative life or that you are a spineless human being. A person who identifies as submissive in a consensual relationship doesn't relinquish social or professional power, nor is she likely to accept authority from anyone but her dominant under the context and circumstances agreed upon. Your submission is as valid if it is 24/7 as if it is only for the duration of a session.
I have said it throughout this article and also in other articles, there is no such thing as a "play book" when it comes to what dynamics look like, each dynamic is unique and opinions are subjectives. If someone tries to define you they are offering their opinion, not facts. And their opinion is based on how they view BDSMK relationships. Run from people who want to tell you: “you’re not a real submissive because of ….” or those who say: “you are a submissive because of…”. It is your prerogative to choose what type of bottom you are based on the things you feel comfortable doing and the things you want to receive. That said, I also remind you that labels come with expectations, choose wisely, learn what the hell everything means and what expectations people may have if you start using said labels. Take responsibility for your choices and if you choose to use “popular labels” be sure to communicate what that looks like for you.
slave
Problematic, controversial, ethically questionable, psychologically dubious. The slave role is one that I have many reservations about and I consider it edge play. Surely many people are going to question Me for saying such things, after all slaves supposed to be any Dominants dream, right? Why do I have so many problems with the slave role? Well, [according to me] defining yourself as a slave means you like to feel subservient, forced to, devoting most of your time to your Owner, and you are willing to sign off your time, material and boldly-rights. And that doesn't sound so ethical or sane to Me/me. And yes, perhaps this is due to my habit of overthinking everything, but if there is something that I have set out to do, it is to write from my truths, no matter how controversial, strange or confusing they may be.
Going into a relationship where you are a slave from the get go might not be a good idea. Taking your time [a year sounds about right] before taking that huge step would be a smart move. Whatever you are a “part-time” or a “live-in” slave make sure you vet the shit out of the Master/Mistress you are
choosing. Do not choose this label just because it sounds edgy and cool, remember, labels build expectations. The slave role is the maximum sum of all types of bottoms. By using that label you are implying that you agree to existing solely for your Mistress's use, pleasure, and well-being, however that means. Of course, as a slave you might expect in return to be treated as a prized, most need possession.
Getting into a full-time slave arrangement requires having an explicit awareness of the magnitude of power you are given up. Keep in mind that there’s a very, very, very thin line between consensual enjoyable slavery and plain abuse. Brainwashing, coercion, human trafficking, physical abuse, economic and sexual exploitation and much more; are some of the things that I know have happened using this type of dynamics as cover up.
A few “purists” [like the old guard or core] will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you relinquish “permanently and irrevocably all your agency” to your Owner, you “should be willing to do absolutely anything”, have no limits at all. RUN! If someone is pushing this narrative onto you it is because they are going to ask for something that they already know the answer will be no. Pushing limits is what we like about BDSMK, that doesn’t require being an unsafe person.
A bottom's Power
Being a bottom [or a submissive for what matters!] within the context of a BDSMK dynamic has nothing to do with being powerless. Some people seem to have trouble making the distinction between fantasy world and reality. That's when I start to worry. BDSMK is fucking fantasy world; erotic, sensual and sexual fantasies. PERIOD. If your fantasies don't involve giving and receiving pleasure, you're definitely not a kinkster, but you're certainly using the scene to get what your rotten self wants.
The main [popular] narrative is that bottoms are always the victims, but I learned the hard way that that is not the case. Sometimes bottoms are the one doing the harm, even if are femake bottoms. I confess Myself to be a victim of a a female bottom. Yes, we Tops can also be victims of our bottoms. We are all exposed to predatory assholes. That’s why I keep screaming at the top of my lungs: “VETTING IS IMPORTANT”.
To improve your chances to avoid not being a victim start by asking yourself:
Why do I feel I’m giving more than what I receive?
Why do I feel uncomfortable asking for what I want?
I’m doing just what my Top wants or I’m having pleasure from this?
Ask about the other:
What kind of human [no Top or Dominate, human] is this person?
Are they active in the community?
Does anyone know any of their playmates?
How do they behave at munchs and parties?
Ask them:
What type of Top are they?
What kind of dynamic do they want?
What type of bottom are they looking for?
What is their ethical framework?
Like I said, will improve your chances but there's no guarantees. I'm extremaly careful and yet someone tricked Me. Taking a bottom role comes with a lot of responsibility. Making others responsible for your safety, your decisions, and your pleasure to then dare to complain if they didn't respect your unspoken boundaries or they didn’t give you what you expected is predatory behavior. It’s also predatory if you lie about what kind of dynamic you are looking for or what kind of submissive you are, or create expectations that you jnow aren't real.
I don’t fucking care how novice you are, don’t care about your “bottom frenzy”, be responsible for the things you say and do. Don’t make your Top the bad guy just because you change your mind or because you sign up for something you didn’t even know what actually meant. Communicate what you know about your fantasies and limits, and admit you don’t know shit about the rest but be willing to share new information and insights as you gain them. I rather prefer a “bossy, entitled, demanding” bottom instead of one who plays the victim and does not take responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Yes, you have a right to get your needs met but never forget that it was you who chose the bottom side; Tops also hope to obtain satisfaction from these activities. If a Top asks you if you are into impact play, you say yes and then you complain about getting beaten. You are not a safe bottom, you are a massive asshole and you are ruining people’s reputation. When you manipulate, lie, create false expectations, undermine, violate privacy, you are the problem, not the Top.
Beyond a bottom's horniness
Lines are important. Context is important. Purpose is important. Asking where the fantasy ends is important. If we are unwilling to accept that BDSMK is a “make believe game” something is going very wrong. The fun part about all our fantasies is that when one of them starts to feel boring or excessive, we can stop engaging in it for a while or for good. We can always change our minds.
Anything or anyone that interferes with the process of living a full and healthy life is a problem to solve. Even if that problem is in your own mind. BDSMK activities require responsibility. And even though it is the world of fantasies, it demands that we have our feet firmly on the ground so as not to forget that there are physical, legal, chemical and psychological rules that govern the real world. No matter how cool and fun shit might look in our minds, they will not necessarily turn out that way because the real world rules will always be present. Not because it makes you wet in the safety of your own room means it will make you feel good in the wild. Sure, the idea of 50 strange men fucking you raw may seem like a lot of fun, until you start to
think that it's likely that of those 50 men, maybe 10 might have an STD, 2 might be criminals, 1 might be a serial killer, 3 might have stalker tendencies and so on. As thrilling and compelling fantasies might be, remember, sometimes we need to be careful with what we wish for.
“If your chosen bottom role is turning into a script for the way you live the rest of your life, this can be a big problem. Some people find that playing that role in the dungeon or bedroom can help make them more conscious of the ways that they're enacting it in the outside world, thus giving them better boundaries for when to play the role and when to leave it alone. Others may find that this form of erotic roleplay reinforces the outside-world behavior to an unacceptable degree, so that they may decide that this role is too risky for them to play right now and is better explored in therapy [...] For some people, the identity they feel as a bottom feels like their primary identity. They understand themselves better as a submissive or a slave, and seek to manifest that sense of self in all aspects of their lives [in a sane manner]: they tend to seek out relationships with [safe and sane] dominant people in which they can live in their chosen role full-time. People living in full-time D/s relationships have created many clever [safe and sane] ways to satisfy the needs of healthy living in a role-defined lifestyle [...] On the other hand, some bottoms wish to be in role only when they [are] playing a scene, because who they are as a bottom is not compatible with their needs and desires in the outside world [...] Neither of these choices, nor any of the gradations between, is inherently more "real" or more valuable than any other: your success will depend on your ability to make your choice work, and your willingness to work hard at it. Either way, it can be very illuminating to examine why we choose the roles we do, what turns us on about them and why this particular role is so very very hot for us.”
-The New Bottoming Book
by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
A bottom's Consent
Consent will ALWAYS be the thing that draws the thin line between abuse and BDSMK activities [sexual and/or otherwise]. THAT IS A FUCKING FACT!
Consent within the boundaries of BDSMK implies altering the existing framework of rights, obligations, duties, etc, by authorizing or permitting another party to act in ways that under normal circumstances would not otherwise be permitted, and typically, though not necessarily, entail the consenter assuming the obligation not to resist, or even positively to assist the act in question. The consent given must fulfill very specific conditions for it to be valid:
✔ The consenting party must have sufficient knowledge about what they are consenting to.
✔ The consent must be given voluntarily [free of pressure, coercion, manipulation, etc...we shall unfold these]
✔ The consenting party must have the average mental competence of a standard adult. Immaturity, intoxication, psychological defects [of various kinds] undermine consent.
✔ Consent should never violate the basic rules of human ethics. If by giving consent someone could be injured or irreparably harmed, such consent is not valid.
I support the idea that consent should be given in a “cold head state”, because when people are excited they may decide it would be great to do something that in a cooler moment they would regret [talking for experience].
Any kind of bottom is ALWAYS entitled to withdraw consent if they change their mind. I’m a strong believer in consent’s re-affirmation through constant renegotiation and monitoring. This it’s especially true for those of us who like to push the limits. A bottom’s safety should never, ever be disregarded or used as proof of submissiveness or any other bs. Safewords aren’t a choice, are a most, especially when physical play it’s part of your dynamic.
It's really curious that while I’m considered controversial for being "too soft and aware" of the bottoms’ needs, many “tops” have a large audience and use BDSMK spaces as their playground for shit they know they can't pull off in other places. The above list isn't intended as a rigid classification. I will always advocate for people’s freedom to write their own personal “playbook”. Sexual diversity is wide. Our intersectionalities make us unique. Our circumstances are always changing. All of this influences how we build our kinky alters and our dynamics. Most bottoms don't fall neatly into any of the categories above. Shades, degrees, styles, there are a bunch of elements that will make each role look different. This article is just to make a case for “bottom is not equal to submissive”. It is an exercise where I try to demonstrate how gender strongly influences how we experience the scene. It is a reminder of the importance of knowing how to choose our labels and take ownership of our choices. Labels are helpful because they give us a common understanding, a framework, a language, but we can also adapt them for ourselves. No one is required to fit anyone else’s definition of what it means to be a submissive or bottom or a kinkster.
So, whether you're a slave, submissive, brat, pet, servant, or a rope bottom, remember: your role is anything but passive. Each type brings its own flavor, finesse, and fire to the dynamic. Being a female bottom isn't about meekly following someone else's lead, it's about crafting a unique experience that speaks to who you are and what you crave. So, wear that label proudly, tease with confidence, and embrace the wild, witty, and wonderful spectrum of bottoming. Because in the end, the best bottoms are the ones who know that their power lies in every moment they choose to surrender…with just a little sassiness, of course 😉.
Stay safe, keep it sane, make it consensual and have fun with it!
See you on the next one 🜉
