The Power of Language

Language is much more than a mere medium of communication; it’s the fundamental tool through which we express ideas, emotions, desires and needs. It’s through language that we construct meaning, share experiences, and connect with others. Language is the key to mutual understanding, collaboration and building strong and meaningful relationships and societies.

 

Language is profoundly important for humans as a species, it's the main element on which the creation of our societies was based on, and it is thanks to it that we not only learn about the past but also build the future. Language allows us to transmit our identity, culture and values, as well as learn and growth, as individuals and as a society.

 

Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of the power and importance of the language we use. Simple things, like using it responsibly and respectfully to foster understanding, empathy and understanding between the people in our lives it's enough to make a difference. Now, if you are like me (an anarchist that loves creational chaos) be aware -and willing- to use it to reclaim ownership over your own identity and to take away power from the establishment.

 

Yes, language is far more than a tool for communication; it shapes the way we perceive the world and ourselves. Can be used to empower, to manipulate, to recognize, to segregate, to praise, to punish. And for marginalized communities, such as those engaging in BDSMK, ethical non-monogamy [ENM] or LGBTQ+ identifying folks, language serves as a cornerstone of visibility and empowerment.

 

The evolution of inclusive and affirming language within these communities is not only a reflection of their growing self-knowledge and acceptance but also a powerful driver for social revolution within the wider social arena.

 

I invite you to a conversation that is fundamental to everything that you and I consider fun and hot; one of those conversations where one begins to wonder, "what the actual hell does this have to do with me liking to be humiliated while I get my ass fucked?" kind of conversation. Allow me to take you on a journey in which I will try my very best to prove the transformative role of language through a scholarly-ish lens.

 

what we learn through observation and interaction within our families, social, educational and/or religious structures, will definitely impact the way we interpret the world, how we form our ideas and the meaning we give to things, aka, actions, word, appearance, etc.

The Role of Language in Social Identity

Language is not limited to regurgitating words. No. Words have coded meaning, those meanings are fundamental to the process of human communication since it determines how we interpret the world around us and how we express our inner world.

 

In the book, “Sexual Conduct: The Social Sources of Human Conduct” [1.973], sociologists William Simon and John Gagnon [who also wrote “Sexual Scripts” (1.984), work that still plays an important role in the conceptualization of sexuality in contemporary sociology and the psychology of sexual behavior; and has been a pillar in critical studies on sexuality and gender], argue that what we learn through observation and interaction within our families, social, educational and/or religious structures, will definitely impact the way we interpret the world, how we form our ideas and the meaning we give to things, aka, actions, word, appearance, etc. This means that each single word that we throw out to the world, that cross our minds and that we -voluntarily or not- catch, carries with it an unique semantic load/weight, influenced by our -and others- experiences, values ​​and cultural context; which proves that what flatters us and what offends us has been incubated in a complicated multi-layered social/psychological matrix.

 

Yes, we all learned - through observation and practice - how to feel offended. Getting offended isn't an innate emotion, it's a cultural thing, it's something we learn. We learn what "should" offends us, when offends us and how it offends us.

 

Consider the word "bossy". Depending on the person, context, and cultural background, this term can evoke vastly different reactions. For instance:

 

A woman in a leadership role who has been conditioned to navigate societal expectations might feel offended when called "bossy", as it often carries a gendered implication that diminishes assertiveness in women. A man in a similar role, in the same context might interpret "bossy" as a playful or even positive remark, reflecting confidence or decisiveness, and might not take offense.

 

Personal and cultural contextual nuance matters. If the speaker's intent is playful or is unaware of the term's potential weight, it's something that each person will learn and interpret differently. Acknowledging one's own feelings about the term and expressing them respectfully can help. But what happens when those offensive words are everywhere or worse, there's not language that represent you.

 

Saying: "I know you meant that as a joke, but 'bossy' feels dismissive to me. Could we use a different word?" won't do it. For cultural and institutional change to be possible uncomfortable conversations about why certain words carry particular connotations -especially in specific groups and cultures- can lead to broader awareness and increase inclusion(?)

 

When a woman gets offended by being called fat -sometimes it doesn't even have to be direct, but a mere suggestion of it- comes from decades of cultural learning in which the message was that a fat woman is an ugly, careless and lazy woman. If a woman embrace her fatness and says: "I'm fat", the response it's most likely to be "don't say that, you're very pretty". Answer that comes from the cultural learning that fat women are synonymous with ugly women. The idea of ​​a fat woman being beautiful is too wild. Resulting in an epidemic of young women with self-esteem problems, eating disorder issues and so on. This is a hyper-simplified example but there you have it, right there it’s why it is important to be aware of the power words have to influence our -and others'- perceptions, emotions and actions.

 

The words we use shape our inner and social realities. As Berger and Luckmann assert in “The Social Construction of Reality” [1.966], language is a primary means through which individuals and groups make sense of their existence. For ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK communities, having access to a lexicon that validates their identities is essential as a means for personal and collective empowerment. For example, the reclamation of terms like "queer" -once a slur- or the creation of new terminologies such as "compersion" demonstrates how language evolves to reflect lived experiences that mainstream society has historically ignored or stigmatized. This linguistic evolution challenges the status quo and creates space for marginalized identities to thrive. Isn’t that marvelous?

 

Language as a Tool of Oppression

I'm well aware of the fact that the following section it’s going to give the ick to many people who don’t like to talk about social issues. Privilage it's a comfortable blanket hard to leave behind as to willingly expose yourself to the harshness of reality withou it.

 

Whiteness, heterosexuality, middle class -or up- have been imposed as the norm, at the poin of almost making us believe that the majority of people are like this. The “others”, the ones that aren’t white, heterosexual nor middle class -or up- are the minority. But not one wants to be part of the outside group, right? We all want to be part of the popular kinds group. It's just human nature. The same nature that push us toward the pursuit of "normalcy" driven by the longing for it's privilege.

 

But white are actually the minority when it comes to the global population, it's prevalecen it's just representative. Meaning, we see whitness more within our culture [in movies. music, fashion, etc] while non white folks are relegated to minority roles. Therefore, our perception about withness and non whitness. Why do we think whitness are the majority? Well, they are the majority when it comes to those who control the narrative, the economic and the political powers of the world. An easy mistake to make.

 

In more personal contexts, language enables us to articulate complex relationships and feelings. As a mix latin -like most latins are- but white looking, that grow up poor in one of the most fuck-up countries -Venezuela- in a single parent household [by the way, my mom is afro-latin, so my green eyes ass going out with my black mom gave us interesting experiences] I have witnessed how language can perpetuate stereotypes. Terms like “broken home” imply deficiency, painting an incomplete and often harmful picture.

 

Growing up I was well aware of both, my privilege and my marginalization. So, as every 15 years white passing poor girl in a private school -thanks to a scholarship- does, I started to think; if we speak about minorities that implies there’s a majority. If we write about marginalized groups that means there’s a praised one. So, who decides who belongs where? Who is making the rules to this psychotic game?. You know, exactly the kind of stuff a teen should have in mind to be able to live their best youth.

 

Spender wonders about who writes the reality in which we live in, and make a very important question:

“Who are these people who 'make the world' and what are the principles behind their division, organization, and classification?”

“Man Made Language” [1.980] ponders about Britton’s statement:

“The objects and events of the world do not present themselves to us ready classified. The categories into which they are divided are the categories into which WE divide them.”

 

Historically, language has been wielded as a weapon of oppression by men, especially white ones. Yes, I know how that sounds. And no, I'm not attacking white people, I'm attacking whitness, and those two are different things. Even if these conversations it’s uncomfortable, we need to have them. Avoiding naming the culprit won’t magically make things better. Same as using code words like “vigigi”, or “boobies” won’t make pussies smell like flowers 24/7 and tits to be perky into the end of a woman’s life. Naming things it’s important, how we decide to interpret them much more.

 

It was patriarchy, whiteness and heterosexuality that brought and used terms like "homosexuality", “hysteria”, “nymphomaniac”, “depraved” -and so on- to medicalized and pathologized, contributing to the marginalization and condemnation of any expression of non-normative sexuality. The present bad reputation problem of that "axis of evil" was earned, not free. But once again, the truth needs context and nuances, it is never as simple as we would conveniently like to believe.

 

We could easily make an argument against monogamy, love and tenderness by saying that similarly, terms like "sadomasochism" and “swinger” have been misunderstood and stigmatized, often conflated with abuse rather than consensual practices rooted in trust and communication.

 

But my purpose is not to argue about all the mistakes of the past, it is to argue to stop repeating what some misguided people did out of simple ignorance. Because now we know better, or at least we should know better. For example, in ENM, the absence of mainstream terms for non-monogamous practices often forces individuals into a linguistic framework designed for monogamy, creating a disconnect between language and reality. Meanwhile, the introduction of terms such as "metamour" allows for a more accurate representation of these relational structures, empowering individuals to articulate their experiences without shame or confusion.

 

It’s clear that our societies are built on the assumption -more like the imposition, but who’s paying attention- that everyone lives within the frame of “their” binary conceptualization of reality. Male or female, single or married, straight or gay, monogamous or cheater. At the moment you don't fit within any of those fixed boxes it seems like society stops trying to “accomodate” you just because it’s too uncomfortable -or confussing- after all, “they” don’t have the language to recognize you.

 

Language, as a medium of power, has long been wielded to shape social hierarchies, enforce norms, and marginalize dissenting identities. Historically, the LGBTQ+, BDSM, and ENM communities have faced significant oppression through the strategic use of language in legal, medical, and cultural frameworks. From stigmatizing terms to pathologizing labels, language has been instrumental in denying agency, visibility, and legitimacy to these communities. Let that sink in.

 

Understanding this historical context highlights the urgent need for reclaiming and reshaping language as a tool of empowerment and inclusivity. The generalized weaponization of language against ENM communities it’s nothing more than proof of the institutionalized systematic oppression of sexually diverse individuals by a society who have often relied on language to delegitimize their identities and behaviors. For example, legal language, like in “sodomy laws” that explicitly targeted same-sex relationships. Terms like “crimes against nature” were intentionally vague but carried severe penalties, further entrenching stigma and fear. Religious and cultural rhetoric used derogatory terms like "sodomite" or "deviant" to morally alienate LGBTQ+ individuals, while virginity it’s still regarded as “a good woman’ best version”, embedding these prejudices in societal consciousness.

 

Terms like “sexual sadism” and “masochism” have been included in the DSM, often without nuance, leading to the stigmatization of BDSMK practitioners. While the DSM-5 introduced more balanced perspectives, earlier editions reinforced harmful stereotypes by categorizing BDSMK interests as paraphilic disorders.

 

These terms are still frequently used to label under a negative light BDSMK practitioners, framing their consensual activities as abnormal, immoral, or mentally ill. Some social narratives assume that kinksters are seeking out extreme experiences due to trauma, addiction, or psychological damage, erasing the diversity of motivations behind kink practices. And even though paraphilia it’s nowadays a virtually outdated term, the DSM legacy still prevails, so much so that even the people part of BDSMK communities speak using such terms and use terms like "addict" or "damaged" to describe themselves. This language fosters internalized shame, deters individuals from openly expressing their identities, and legitimizes societal prejudice. To top the social bs, popular media has perpetuated sensationalist and inaccurate portrayals of BDSMK and ENM as inherently harmful, using language like "perv", "risky", “immoral”, “promiscuous”, "just trying to sleep around", "toxic masculinity" or "internalized misogyny" to create fear and misunderstanding.

 

Now, here comes the uncomfortable part of the conversation for the other side. Dehumanizing stereotypes are found on both sides. On one side we hear "freaks" or "weirdos", casual insults portraying these groups as deviant, trivializing their practices and discouraging open dialogue. On the other hand, we hear “true Dominant”, “not kinky enough” or my less favorite, “vanilla”, seeking to portray kink as this eccentric enlightenment journey.

 

You shouldn’t scream discrimination every 5 min if you are also the one saying things like: “you are way too normal for me, eugh!”. Lowkey, if you label someone as “normal” that means you imply you are part of the abnormal ones. Language it’s that tricky; I don’t care on what side you live, dehumanizing language marginalizes BDSMK folks, LGBTQ+ pals, ENM souls, brown, black, asian humans, neurodivergent and regular earthlings. All communities are exposed to “others” making them targets for ridicule and discrimination.

 

When we take a look to our cultural context we start to undestand where so many folks learned the wrong thing. The misrepresentation in media and public discourse often mock, over simplify or pornify ENM and BDSMK, the best example of this it’s The 50 Shades Syndrome. Others “sell it” as a passing trend or reduce it to poorly informed caricatures. Media coverage of BDSMK tends to focus on its most dramatic or risky practices, ignoring the diversity and nuance of the community; practitioners are often portrayed as hypersexual or incapable of forming "normal" emotional connections. And sure, I’m not denying the fact that these communities have some downsides and negative things, that can happen. But this is the truth also for the -all sacred bless and happy forever- monogamous traditional couples.

 

Unlike LGBTQ+, that even have specific laws to defend them against discrimination, ENM and BDSMK communities have historically faced erasure, at the point that there are more books, research, advocacy, laws and so on regarding LGBTQ+ groups than about ENM or BDSM folks. Delete existence works better rather than outright condemnation -a more subtle but perhaps a stronger damaging form of linguistic oppression(?). Even today, even under the rainbow -to the surprise of no one- the language we use keeps having troubles making space for ENM and kinky communities. Here's the proof of that:

 

Monogamy as Default: Terms like “couple”, “you are for each other”, “cheating” dominate relational discourse, framing non-monogamous behaviors as inherently immoral or deceitful.

 

Lack of Vocabulary: Until recently, ENM lacked a clear lexicon to describe its dynamics, such as “metamour” or “relationship anarchy”. This absence marginalized those who didn’t conform to monogamous norms, forcing them into linguistic frameworks that invalidated their relationships.

 

Legal & Social Exclusion: The language of marriage and family laws explicitly prioritizes monogamy, leaving ENM relationships without recognition or protections, and framing them as less legitimate or stable. In family court, terms like "unfit parent" or "unstable home" are frequently used against ENM and BDSMK practitioners, weaponizing their consensual practices to question their parenting abilities.

 

Workplace Discrimination: If someone it’s outed or pointed as LGBTQ+ the law and the social outrage will come swiftly. Now, when an employee outed as BDSMK practitioners or as part of an ENM relationship, a judgement in their character it’s the only thing that will come swiftly. "Unprofessional conduct", “morally questionable”, "not a role model"; their private life it’s used to judge and accuse them of lacking professionalism, even when their practices are unrelated to their job performance. Teachers, healthcare workers, or others in public-facing professions are labeled as unfit for their roles based on societal bias against ENM and BDSM. The world has already had gay presidents and prime ministers, but we are yet to see one openly kinky or ENM. Can’t imagine anyone doing so when the label “moral misconduct" referring to someone taking part in a swinger party for example is sometimes framed as a violation of workplace ethics codes, leading to terminations or disciplinary actions. This language perpetuates economic instability and forces these folks to hide their identities, reducing visibility and advocacy opportunities.

 

Exclusionary Practices in Healthcare: Healthcare providers unfamiliar with BDSMK dynamics may dismiss or stigmatize patients, using judgmental terms like "risky," "reckless," "self-harming” to discourage their practices or undermine their consent.

 

Gatekeeping: Terms like “vanilla”, "internalized misogyny", "toxic", "problematic", “just a phase” used by some “feminist” or LGBTQ+/BDSMK spaces exclude people using language that equates power exchange dynamics by perpetuating oppression. This gatekeeping alienates individuals from broader support networks. Phrases like “vanilla”, “true sub”, "fake Dom" invalidate newcomers or individuals exploring their roles, discouraging participation and growth. The "vanilla shaming" phenomenon, for example, uses dismissive language to mock those with less adventurous preferences, creating divisions within broader sexual communities. The expectation that people adhere strictly to certain dynamics or roles under the mantra that “that’s how the lifestyle is” excludes those who approach ENM and BDSMK as an experimental search. These “lifestyle purists” are as assholy as mainstream purists. Internalized hierarchies and dismissive language can create hurdles the entry, particularly for marginalized groups, whether you are a woman, a LGBTQ+ individuals, or someone just exploring.

 

The lack of representation -both in legal and cultural frames- has perpetuated societal bias and contributed to the invisibility of ENM practices. These linguistic frameworks, especially those around ENM and BDSMK, have not only fueled prejudice but have also dissuaded individuals from openly identifying as part of the ENM or BDSMK communities, limiting their access to supportive resources and networks. Such language shaped not only societal attitudes but also institutional policies marginalized minorities within minorities, because let’s not forget that LGBTQ+ people aren’t the only sexually diverse group. This group being the one that has the most rights and advocates among the three groups talked about in this article; from exclusion in marriage laws to discriminatory workplace practices, ENM and BDSMK folks still deal with a lot of bs that LGBTQ+ have already conquered.

 

Intersectionality & Compounded Oppression

I remember sitting in a seminar, debating the nuances of identity and oppression, when someone shared a seemingly simple story. She recounted how, during a family gathering, her aunt praised a male cousin for being “adventurous” in his relationships while shaming her for behaving “inappropriately”. The room fell silent. Her words revealed a truth we all knew but seldom said aloud: the way society perceives our actions often hinges on who we are, not what we do.

 

This anecdote illustrates how language-based oppression becomes particularly harmful when it intersects with race, gender, and class. These intersections create compounded vulnerabilities, amplifying the impact of already harmful stereotypes. For example, racialized LGBTQ+ individuals face unique challenges as they navigate the stigmatization of both their sexual and racial identities. Terms like "down-low" have been weaponized to pathologize and criminalize black men who engage in same-sex relationships, perpetuating deeply entrenched biases.

 

The disparity extends into other areas of identity, such as socio-economic background and consensual adult practices. BDSMK practitioners from marginalized racial or economic groups are often labeled "deviant" against the backdrop of cultural stereotypes. Meanwhile, white, middle-class swingers are celebrated for “keeping things spicy” and having “an adventurous spirit.” This contrast in language reinforces a double standard: while white privilege often affords individuals the benefit of the doubt, black or brown individuals are met with suspicion or outright condemnation.

 

Consider how even the same behavior can be framed differently depending on identity. A wealthy white woman exploring multiple relationships might be described as “trying to find love,” while a poor black or brown woman in a similar situation is dismissed as “promiscuous” or accused of “gold digger”. These differences aren’t just about words, they reflect and reinforce systemic inequalities.

 

Language is far from neutral. It is a powerful tool that shapes social hierarchies and reflects the broader power dynamics in our society. Historically, language has been used to uphold patriarchal and racial structures, perpetuating gender inequality and marginalizing diverse identities. Under these systems, words are wielded to maintain male dominance, suppress non-male individuals, and erase the experiences of those who don’t conform to traditional gender norms.

 

The impact of language stretches beyond personal interactions. Through its pervasive influence, societal norms are ingrained and perpetuated, shaping everything from our daily conversations to institutional policies. A casual comment at a family dinner, a term used in popular culture, or the framing of news headlines, each contributes to a larger pattern of systemic oppression.

 

Recognizing the power of language and its intersections with identity is crucial. By critically examining the words we use and the assumptions they carry, we can begin to dismantle oppressive frameworks and foster communities where all voices are heard and valued equally.

 

Patriarchal language is embedded in legal, religious, and medical systems, perpetuating systemic inequality, laws often use masculine pronouns as defaults, framing manhood as the default, the norm, the implicit subject of rights and responsibilities.

Imagine being told as a child, “don’t cry like a girl” or hearing adults praise a man as a “bachelor” while disparaging a single woman as an “old maid”. These seemingly innocuous phrases are more than words, they carry the weight of centuries-old societal norms that reinforce inequality. Language is a reflection of our culture and a tool that shapes our perceptions of gender, power, and identity. Yet, its subtle biases often go unnoticed.

 

Let's take a look to the historical roots of patriarchal language as an example. In ancient texts, male authors dominated narratives, often portraying women as passive, subordinate, or invisible. Words like "mankind" became the default for humanity, erasing women and nonbinary individuals from linguistic representation. This exclusion wasn't accidental, it was a linguistic choice that mirrored societal hierarchies.

 

Even today, many languages trivialize or demean women through specific terms. Compare how society views words like “old maid,” “hag,” or “whore” with their male counterparts -“bachelor,” “silver fox,” or “Don Juan”. The former carry harsh judgments, while the latter are often playful or even flattering. Similarly, the word "hysterical" -rooted in the Greek word *hystera* meaning, womb- has historically pathologized women’s emotions, dismissing them as irrational and unfit for leadership roles.

 

Patriarchal language reinforces traditional gender roles by associating certain traits with masculinity and others with femininity. Phrases like "man up" or "throw like a girl" perpetuate stereotypes, equating masculinity with strength and femininity with weakness. These linguistic norms shape societal expectations, boxing individuals into rigid roles and marginalizing those who don't fit the mold.

 

The impact extends to gender identity. Language that insists on binary pronouns or resists inclusive alternatives, such as "they/them" or neopronouns, invalidates the existence of transgender and nonbinary individuals. This resistance is more than linguistic stubbornness, it reflects a deeper societal unwillingness to embrace diversity and challenge traditional power structures.

 

Gendered job titles further illustrate the issue. Terms like "chairman", "fireman", or "policeman" imply that such roles are inherently masculine, even when gender-neutral alternatives like "chairperson" or "firefighter" exist. Adoption of these alternatives remains inconsistent, reinforcing the association of authority and expertise with men.

 

The same patriarchal language often reduces women to their physical appearance or sexuality, enforcing double standards that police their behavior. Terms like “bombshell” or “MILF” commodify women’s bodies, while words like “slut” and “prude” create a catch-22, where women are judged regardless of their choices.

 

Patriarchal language isn't confined to casual conversation, it permeates legal, religious, and medical systems, perpetuating systemic inequality. In legal contexts, masculine pronouns are often used as defaults, framing manhood as the norm and sidelining other identities. Historical terms like "head of household" explicitly prioritized male authority within families.

 

Religious language further entrenches these dynamics. Texts that use phrases like “Father God” or “His Kingdom” position men as spiritual and moral leaders while relegating women to subordinate roles.

 

The medical field offers another stark example. Women's bodies have historically been described primarily in terms of reproduction, reducing us to our biological functions. The concept of the "male default" in medical research highlights how male anatomy has been prioritized, resulting in significant gender disparities in healthcare.

 

So, the question I would like you to keep in mind -and the main reason for this article and the ALT project- it's how do we move forward?

 

Language is not static; it evolves alongside society. Acknowledging and challenging the patriarchal biases embedded in our words is an essential step toward greater equality. By adopting inclusive language, questioning stereotypes, and amplifying marginalized voices, we can begin to dismantle the systems that have held us back.

Words hold power. Let’s wield them wisely to unite, empower, and create a more equitable world for all.

 

Language & Mental Health

A few years ago, a close friend of mine shared a simple yet profound story. She told me about the first time a D&D Dungeon Master pal used her correct pronouns. It wasn’t a grand announcement or a big moment, just a casual comment during a campaign. Yet, she described it as a “life-affirming moment”, one that made her feel visible and valued in a space where she had often felt erased or nervous about speaking out for fear of being removed from the party.

 

This story is a reminder of the quiet, transformative power of language. Inclusive language does more than just validate identities, it fosters a sense of belonging that can significantly impact mental health. For individuals in ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK communities, affirming language can mean the difference between thriving and merely surviving in a society that often misunderstands or vilifies them.

 

Research consistently highlights the power of language in shaping mental well-being. Studies by Russell and Fish [2.016] reveal that LGBTQ+ youth who hear affirming language from their families and peers report significantly lower rates of depression and anxiety. It’s not just about kind words; it’s about recognizing and affirming someone’s identity.

 

Imagine the difference between a therapist saying: “That’s not normal” versus “That’s a valid experience”. Kink-aware therapists, for example, emphasize the importance of non-judgmental language when working with BDSMK practitioners. Judgmental language perpetuates internalized stigma, creating barriers to trust and healing, while affirming language creates a safe space for individuals to feel heard and respected.

 

It’s impossible to talk about the impact of language without addressing its darker side. Language can be use as tool of oppression. Under patriarchal systems -yes, that big, uncomfortable word again-language has been weaponized to exclude, demean, and control marginalized groups. Women, non-male gender identities, ENM, LGBTQ+ and BDSMK -in particular- have been systematically othered through language.

 

Think of the terms “deviant”, “perverse”, or “immoral”. These words don’t just describe, they judge, isolate, and marginalize. BDSMK and ENM communities, for example, often bear the brunt of these labels, which frame their relationships and practices as inherently inferior. Such language doesn’t just hurt feelings; it reinforces systemic bias in legal frameworks, healthcare, and social policies, perpetuating cycles of discrimination.

 

Sociologist Charles Cooley’s concept of the “Looking-Glass Self” offers a powerful framework for understanding how language shapes self-identity. We see ourselves as we believe others perceive us. Discriminatory language, when internalized, leads to feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy.

 

Discriminatory language is not merely a collection of harmful words; it is a mechanism of power, deeply embedded in societal structures. Sociologist Pierre Bourdieu’s concept of symbolic violence illustrates how language enforces dominance and perpetuates marginalization. Language that stigmatizes BDSMK and ENM practices isolates individuals from mainstream society creating and deepening a sense of stigmatization and social alienation, this structural discrimination -which in many cases is not perceived by those who do not belong to said groups- influences policies, legal frameworks, and other forms of institutional life, perpetuating systemic bias.

 

I once spoke to someone in an open relationship who described feeling “dirty” and “broken” because of the words others had used to describe her choices -“promiscuous”, “cheater,” “unfaithful”. These terms, steeped in judgment, had taken root in her psyche, causing her to question her worth and validity. Different studies echo this, showing that individuals in stigmatized relationships often report higher levels of psychological distress due to societal judgment.

 

Discriminatory language isn’t just personal, it’s societal. Words like “promiscuous” or “sick” serve as tools to enforce conformity to societal norms, particularly around sexuality and relationships. They reinforce ideologies like monogamy and heteronormativity, framing them as the default or superior ways to live.

 

Think about the casual judgment embedded in phrases like, “Why can’t they just settle down?” or, “That’s not real love”. These statements aren’t harmless, they legitimize exclusion and discrimination, forcing individuals to hide their identities or conform to societal expectations to avoid stigma.

 

If I need to explaing the call to action of this piece you are reading it would be for you to remember: the words we choose matter. They shape not only our individual interactions but also the larger systems that govern our lives. By choosing affirming, inclusive language, we can contribute to a culture where everyone feels seen, valued, and supported.

 

Sociologically, discriminatory language functions as a mechanism to enforce conformity to normative structures, particularly regarding sexuality and relationships. Terms like “promiscuous”, “cheater,” or “sick” are socially constructed labels that “otherize” individuals, marking them as outsiders that should align to the “acceptable norms”; hence reinforcing hegemonic ideologies, such as monogamy and heteronormativity, positioning them as the default or correct way to live thereby helping to legitimize discrimination by framing BDSMK and ENM practices as inherently harmful or inferior. This social stigmatization creates an environment where practitioners and participants feel isolated, devalued, and pressured to hide their identities.

 

By understanding the mechanisms of linguistic oppression, we can begin to dismantle them, creating a lexicon that reflects the values of equality and inclusivity.

 

Take the rise of inclusive terms like “partner” instead of “husband” or “wife”, or the normalization of gender-neutral pronouns like “they/them”. These linguistic shifts might seem small, but they carry immense weight. They challenge societal norms, validate diverse identities, and create space for new ways of being.

 

The impact of discriminatory language is greater for individuals belonging to multiple marginalized groups. For example, LGBTQ+ practitioners in BDSMK or ENM relationships face compounded stigma, being dismissed as "deviant" on multiple fronts. Submissive women in BDSMK dynamics are often accused of having "internalized misogyny". Racialized individuals in these communities face stereotypes rooted in both racial and sexual discrimination, such as hypersexualization or dehumanization. This discriminatory language leads to internalized stigma, a process where individuals absorb and adopt society's negative views about their identities or practices. Here I want to take the Same Sex Attraction [SSA] community? movement? as a perfect example of this. A very -WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IT’S GOING ON??!!- kinda vibe thing that happens within some christian groups. Where the fundamental things you need to know is: God loves you, even if you feel SSA. You don’t need to apologize because of it, repent about it or think you are going to hell because of it. OF COURSE NOT! WHO YOU THINK GOD IS??!! A MONSTER?? NO!! After all, it’s just a thought, right? It’s not like you are planning to act on it, right? After all, you know it’s nothing more than a temptation to take you away from God’s path and His kingdom, you can choose to keep His plan and respect your covenant with Him -aka you must get married with a woman and have childrens-. RIGHT??!! [SSA rabbit hole entrance]

 

Savage. Insane. Unethical. It’s happening. And as a result of this madness -and other forms of it- you find folks feeling inherently flawed or "wrong" for their desires or relationship structures, suffering from cognitive dissonance, struggling to reconcile personal authenticity with societal condemnation, leading to emotional turmoil. The anticipation of judgment or rejection creates a prolonged state of hypervigilance, increasing stress and anxiety levels. Intersectional vulnerabilities arise when individuals experience compounded forms of marginalization due to the overlap of multiple identities. Studies have shown that minority stress, which stems from societal stigma, significantly impacts mental health, leading to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Intersectional vulnerabilities should be a public health issue. For those who identify as LGBTQ+, engage in ENM, or participate in BDSMK practices, the intersecting stigmas they face often lead to unique challenges that disproportionately affect their mental health. These challenges are not just individual struggles but reflect broader societal issues that warrant public health intervention.

 

Public health, supposedly, focuses on promoting well-being and preventing disease on a population level. Mental health, a cornerstone of public health, is influenced by social determinants, including stigma, discrimination, and access to supportive resources. For ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK communities, these determinants often operate in exclusionary and harmful ways, exacerbating mental health disparities. Intersectionality, as introduced by Kimberlé Crenshaw, emphasizes how overlapping identities -such as sexual orientation, relationship style, and kink practice- create unique experiences of discrimination.

 

Many providers lack training in ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK inclusivity, leading to misdiagnoses or inappropriate care. For instance, consensual BDSMK may be labeled as self-harm, and polyamorous relationship dynamics may be dismissed as "commitment issues". As part of the structural discrimination against these groups, insurance policies and legal frameworks may not recognize non-traditional relationships or lifestyles, limiting access to family therapy or partner-inclusive healthcare. The mental health challenges faced by ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK individuals do not occur in isolation; they have broader societal implications. If we speak in capitalistic terms -the status quo preferred language- mental health struggles impact people's focus, lowering productivity, and increasing absenteeism, affecting the workforce and profit. Forget about social cohesion, this shit can lead to higher costs for emergency care and interventions.

 

Perhaps not many people care about a brown queer, polyamorous individual facing stigma; no until the impact of such discriminatory practices is magnified affecting individuals who belong to multiple marginalized groups, such as women, LGBTQ+ individuals, or people of color; therefor, the structural inequality system it’s now affecting a wide group that compaum a huge sector of the workforce. Groups that face higher rates of broad mental health crises, rampant misdiagnoses, inappropriate care, workplace discrimination cases, and housing disputes. But hey, it's not that big a deal, don't be so dramatic, it's just a pronoun, a word, a phrase, it's not the end of the world.

 

While the effects of discriminatory language are profound, we can choose to mitigate its impact by reclaiming the language that it’s been used as a weapon. Same as with queer, terms like “kinky” and “polyamorous” can be redefined positively, creating a sense of empowerment. Discriminatory language does more than stigmatize. Addressing its impact requires systemic change and a commitment with a culture of respect, understanding, and inclusivity. By challenging harmful narratives and embracing affirming language, we can reduce the psychological toll of discrimination and create a healthier, more equitable society. Which makes me think, do the status quo really want that? Us being healthy, fulfilled folks? I wonder.

 

My invitation is for us reclaim language as a tool for liberation. As Gloria Jean Watkins -better known as bell hooks-wisely said: “Language is also a place of struggle.” While it has been used as a tool of oppression, language can also be reclaimed as a means of liberation.

 

Reclaiming language isn’t just about words; it’s about reclaiming power. It’s about pushing back against systems that seek to define and limit us, about building a lexicon that reflects values of equality and inclusivity.

 

The next time you find yourself reaching for a word, pause and consider its weight. Is it lifting someone up or pulling them down? Language has the power to hurt, but it also has the power to heal. Let’s choose healing.

 

Reclaiming Language as Resistance

Language is a powerful tool that can be used to oppress or to liberate. The historical use of language to marginalize LGBTQ+, BDSM, and ENM communities underscores the importance of intentional linguistic change. By reclaiming language and creating new terminologies, these communities are not only fighting for visibility but are also reshaping societal norms and values. The deliberate use of inclusive language serves as an act of social revolution. It challenges entrenched norms and compels society to confront the limitations of its lexicon. For instance, the increasing regularization of pronouns beyond the binary -he/she- forces institutions to reconsider deeply ingrained assumptions about gender. Similarly, the visibility of terms like "polyamory" or "BDSM dynamics" in mainstream discourse signals a shift toward greater acceptance of relational and sexual diversity. According to Lakoff’s “Moral Politics” [1.996], the way we frame issues linguistically influences societal values and policies. By framing ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSM identities as valid and affirming through language, activists and educators pave the way for broader social and legal recognition.

 

In the ongoing struggle for inclusivity and equality, language will remain a critical battleground. The words we choose to use -and the frameworks they create- will determine whether society moves toward understanding and acceptance or continues to perpetuate exclusion and oppression. Communities have responded to linguistic oppression by reclaiming and reshaping language:

• Reclamation: Terms like “queer”, once used pejoratively, has been reclaimed as an inclusive and affirming identity that challenges heteronormative norms. Feminist movements have reclaimed terms like "bitch" or "slut", stripping them of their derogatory power and using them as symbols of empowerment.
• Standardize [aka Normalization]: Terms like “safe, sane, and consensual” [SSC] have emerged to differentiate consensual BDSMK from harmful behaviors. But, why make this about kink in the first place? Isn’t safety, sanity and consentment important in all kinds of sexual relationships?? Can’t a straight monogamous traditional couple discuss this because that would make them inherently kinky?
• Visibility: The use of terms like "compersion", “nesting partner”, “metamour”, has provided a vocabulary that validates non-monogamous lifestyles and takes away the “by default” status of coupledom.
• Neutrality: Adopting inclusive language, such as "firefighter" instead of "fireman," or using "Mx." as a non-gendered honorific, ensures representation for all genders. Promoting the use of preferred pronouns and normalizing gender-neutral options like "they/them" challenge binary norms and affirm diverse identities.
• Education and Awareness: Linguistic reform begins with education. Campaigns to raise awareness about the impact of language encourage individuals and institutions to adopt inclusive practices, fostering a culture of respect and equality.

 

Now, bare with me. As you already should suspect by now, I’m against the word “normal”, not because the word itself but because its use implies. Same reason why I oppose the use of “vanilla”. Normal is a trap. The darling term of the status quo, used to keep everything neat, tidy, within their norms and terrifyingly controllable. Yet, the term “normal” sneaks into the discourse like an uninvited guest, threatening to undermine the entire movement. “We are just normal people”, “All we want is people to treat us normal”, “We want to live normal lives, like everyone else”. But, we are not normal people, we don’t want to be treated like normals and we certainly do not live or want to live normal lives!. Normal in all those sentences it’s code for respect, safety and non-threatening. When people say:

 

“We are just normal people” in reality they are saying “Not because I like to be spanked means I eat human flesh or I’m a rapist. I’m just like you, someone who likes to have fun while fucking, just happens that our versions of what’s fun are different”. All that it’s compressed into 1 word, normal, when we want to say “dude, chill, I’m not going to attack you”.

 

“All we want is people to treat us normal” means “So because I’m in a committed relationship with two consenting people that means you see me as an unfit mother even though we all three are deeply involved in our child’s life and seek their well-being. But that couple that hires a nanny to spend 12 hours a day with their child, doesn't know their teacher, their friends or even the child have more legal rights than we do??”. All that it’s compressed into 1 word, normal, when we want to say “I want to know I live in a society where I have rights, I want to know I’m safe, same as everyone else”

 

“We want to live normal lives, like everyone else” means “Sure, I like to suck cocks -or pussies . . . or both- as much as the next person, but I also pay taxes, get sick, worry, inflation affects me, just like everyone else. So, why should I erase everything that makes me who I am so you can feel more comfortable?”. All that it’s compressed into 1 word, normal, when we want to just say “I don’t like that ugly ass outfit you are wearing, yet I don’t expect you to stay hidden because of it”.

 

“Normal” is the ultimate Power Play. The very concept of “normal” isn’t neutral, it’s a tool wielded by dominant social structures to dictate what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Historically, normalcy has been defined by straight, cisgender, monogamous, vanilla, patriarchal, and heteronormative ideals. Yeah, those annoying fucking words again. Anything outside of normal is deemed as deviant. Calling ENM, LGBTQ+, or BDSMK “normal” isn’t liberation, it’s assimilation. Instead of challenging the rigid structures that oppress, we risk begging for scraps from the table of conformity. Why on earth would these vibrant, diverse communities -built on celebrating individuality, consent, and authentic expression- aspire to blend in with a construct that thrives on uniformity? “Normal” erases uniqueness. The beauty of these identities and practices lies in their ability to challenge, disrupt, and reimagine societal norms. “Normal” doesn’t leave room for fluidity or nuance; it’s a box, and these communities don’t fit into boxes. Hell, shouldn’t be a box in the first place!

 

“Normal” is a power play. The very concept of “normal” isn’t neutral, it’s a tool wielded by dominant social structures to dictate what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Historically, normalcy has been defined by straight, cisgender, monogamous, vanilla, patriarchal, and heteronormative ideals.

“Normal” is a moving target. Even if you somehow managed to fit ENM, LGBTQ+, or BDSMK identities under the “normal” umbrella, guess what? The goalpost would shift. Historically marginalized groups have learned the hard way that “normalization” often comes with conditions: behave, assimilate, don’t be too loud or too different. Remember when gay marriage was “normalized”? Suddenly, the focus turned to respectability politics: “We love queer people, but only the ones who want white picket fences and 2.5 kids”.

 

Yes, I know changing the status quo requires boldness, the kind of boldness that not everyone can afford. But I’m not expecting everyone to go to rallies, give big speeches or even create a random website to rant about the shit they care about. Some of us are so privileged, so tired, so desperate or so out of options that we don’t care anymore, we go and do all that. But remember, langage is EVERYWHERE. It slips everywhere, it resonates even after many years of saying it. The goal of activism isn’t to tweak the status quo; it’s to dismantle it and build something better. That means embracing language that challenges, not language that conforms. True representation doesn’t mean squeezing ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK into pre-existing molds; it means creating new paradigms that celebrate these identities on their own terms. We shouldn't be scared of our disruptioness [yes, I just made that word up]. Avoiding the trap of “respectability” politics should be in the front. Trying to prove that these communities are “just like everyone else” is not only exhausting but reductive. We’re NOT like everyone else, and that’s the point!.

 

“Normal” is a mirage, an oppressive ideal that keeps society stagnant and creativity stifled. For ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK communities, striving for normalcy is a disservice to their uniqueness and revolutionary potential. Instead of chasing validation from a system designed to exclude, these communities should focus on creating a language, spaces, and new definitions of success. Let’s strive to end the insane “otherness”, their and ours dumb rivalry that makes everyting to fucking exhausting. So, no, we shouldn't want to be normal. We should want to be real, visible, respected, and free to live authentically, on our terms, like everyone else also deserves it. Let’s stop trying to sit at the table and pretend we want to eat what we don’t like, let’s bring our own stuff and share with whoever feels like trying, snacks for everyone!.

 

The Path Forward: Intentional Language for Inclusivity

I am not a linguist but I’m a language lover. I’m fascinated by how they change, adapt and even become powerful weapons used to change narratives. I believe in appreciating and respecting the meaning of words for the same reason that I believe we should value and respect their historical weight, they are a source of knowledge, by understanding them we avoid making the same mistakes.

 

We should be able to move on from victimhood to the reappropriation of words that have historically been used in a derogatory/negative way. I believe that we can foster more effective, empathetic and respectful communication in our daily interactions if we learn and teach that the transformation of what we consider negative starts from us. It is crucial to consider the impact that our words can have in this transformative process. Advancing inclusivity through language requires intentionality. Institutions, educators, and individuals must commit to understanding the evolving lexicon of marginalized communities and addressing and reframing stigmatizing language when encountered. For example, kink-aware educational websites and ENM-friendly workshops play a critical role in disseminating accurate information and promoting a vocabulary that dismantles the negative conceptualization of some words. These initiatives are crucial for breaking down barriers and building a culture of inclusivity.

 

Yes, language is more than a political tool, it is primarily the vehicle through which we connect with others. A language that does not possess sexually positive language for those who do not live within romantic heteronormative binary expectations is doomed to be loaded with negative connotations, taboos and stereotypes when it comes to divergent sexualities, making free and open expression difficult and installing the fear of repression, banishment or worse yet, offending those who are supposed to be allies. Language is not merely a reflection of society; it is a powerful agent of change. For ENM, LGBTQ+, and BDSMK communities, inclusive language validates identities, challenges stigma, and fosters mental well-being. As society progresses, the intentional use and evolution of language will remain at the heart of the fight for visibility, equality, and liberation.

 

Just as I said at the beginning, communication goes beyond throwing words into the void, they need to have a purpose, they elevate us or sink us. Language ​​is a living thing, it mutates, it adapts, it influences us. Words and languages ​​do not exist on their own, they need context, they need rules and they need us, their bearers, those who keep them alive. The meaning of words can vary depending on context and intention. It is not the same when a man approaches me and says: “Madam, I’m here to offer you my services”, while I’m in a munch or at a party in Mistress mode, than when they say it while on a bank or in the mall!!. Same words, two completely different meanings. Language is supposed to be for the people, it should give us the communication tools to express ideas, feelings, and questions about everything that surrounds us, especially about the things that are an important part of our lives. I don’t know about you, but I think sex is a super important part of our lives. And here, before your eyes, is my attempt to reclaim the right to feel free from shame when we talk about divergent sex. ALT, my supreme act of reclamation.

 

If we genuinely want to disrupt the status quo, we need to stop striving for normalcy and start owning our differences. Language shapes reality, and the words we use to describe ourselves and our movements matter, remember? Language creates culture. Bourdieu argued that language is a form of symbolic power and by redefining terms and rejecting oppressive constructs like “normal,” these communities can claim their space without compromise. Words like “valid”, “authentic”, and “diverse” celebrate individuality without bowing to the altar of normalcy. By using language that reflects the radical inclusivity and complexity of these identities, we rewrite the rules instead of playing by someone else’s rules. Because let’s be honest, the systems that define normalcy are the same ones that pathologized queerness, criminalized kink, and dismissed non-monogamy as “cheating”. Why use their language when their game was never designed for us to win? Rejecting “normal” is a rejection of the systems that created it, it’s rejecting every single slur used to dismiss our identities. It’s a refusal to let the oppressor define what’s good or acceptable, it’s us reclaiming the narrative. Rather than aspire to be “normal,” let’s aspire to be unapologetically US.

 

In the words of Audre Lorde: