Aftercare
A Sign of Emotional Responsability
Definitely one of my favorite words. As a word lover that perfect match between "after" and "care" dazzles me. I mean, the "after" plart implies that comes after something, and I choose to believe that before was really good!. The "care" tell us that no matther how that before was, now we show appretiation, we express our care.
Quick geek fact; care comes from a [VERY] old germanic word [caru] which was use in the context of "grief, anxiety, mourning, worry"; for what I gather was a word to express when people worry due to someone's emotional pain. If you didn't know, now you know ☺
Aftercare within BDSMK is an essential component in all kinds of relationships and/or dynamics. Involves taking care of both physical and emotional needs after a scene or session. Our brain chemistry plays a huge role in why we need this "post party event". Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, prolactin are among the very impressive list of chemicals that our biggest sexual/kink organ, our brain, produce. That's why we feel everything more intensively, more increased, more highly. Beyond the brain cocktail, our body also receives intense bodily stimulations that might sometimes leave certain aftermath marks. There's also the psychological aftermath.
After that wild chemical, emotional and bodily wild party comes the withdrawal, which can result in a not so much fun post-coital dysphoria and/or other negative emotions which it’s usually referred to as “the drop”.
Aftercare it’s that magical space/time we build/dedicate to help our body and mind to self regulate. It helps transitioning from the intense experience of the scene back to everyday state of mind and ensures the well-being of everyone involved. Because, yes, Tops also experience the drop and need aftercare.
Aftercare Key Elements
Physical Care
TOP PRIORITY. Ensuring that any physical injuries or marks are properly treated comes first. Offering blankets, pillows, or comfortable clothing to help the body relax and recover can go a long way. Providing water and light snacks to recharge energy and prevent dehydration it’s also a great idea. I know that at this point you must think it is a joke but icecream and chocolate do wonders!
Emotional Care
Kind and caring words, hugs, cuddles, and other forms of physical affection helps to feel safe and cared for. By allowing time for both parties to talk about their feelings and experiences during the scene, offering support and understanding you are showing validation and acknowledging the emotions and experiences.
Mental Care
Clock-out doesn’t work when it comes to proper aftercare. Giving time to mentally and emotionally decompress from an intense scene can take from 5 minutes up to 5 hours. Highly recommend incorporating grounding techniques such as deep breathing guided exercises, guided awareness/meditation, or guided relaxation to help participants return to a calm state of mind.
Why Aftercare is SO Important?
If we choose to ignore that it's the ethical thing to do because reinforeces trust an connection, while facilitates introspection and emotional processing allowing emotional stability; let's focus on the fact that is thanks to aftercare that you won't go to jail, because is in this precious time/space when long term physical damages can be prevent and consent, desires and boundaries to be reviewed.
How to Provide Aftercare?
Sometimes we humans like to complicate things when there is no need to do so. Aftercare can be as simple or as complex as the needs of the people involved are, but more often than no if you follow these 4 simple steps you will have already done a great job.
Discussing Needs in Advance: before the scene, discuss each folk's aftercare needs and preferences. Everyone is different, and understanding these needs helps provide effective aftercare.
Creating a Safe Space: ensure a comfortable, quiet environment where aftercare can take place without interruptions. First aid kit should always be part of your aftercare box.
Offering Comfort: have blankets, pillows, water, and snacks readily available. Provide gentle touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or massaging sore areas.
Respecting Everyone's Rhythm: yes, you should encourage a talk that allows you both to process and evaluate the scene. BUT learning when to speak, when to listen and when to accept silence it’s also very important. Allowing each person to express their thoughts and feelings to their own rhythm is the healthiest way to go.
Aftercare Activities Suggestions
Cuddling & Holding
Physical closeness can be very soothing for some people. Cuddling, hugging, or simply holding each other hands can provide a sense of safety and comfort.
Talking & Reflecting Over a Cup of Coffee. . .or Tea
Some of us feel inmense comfort sumerging ourselves in the delicious and aromatic blackness of a cup of coffee. Discussing the scene, what each person enjoyed, any challenging moments, and how you are feeling after it while drinking this hot magic makes wonders for the soul, it can certainly help process the experience and strengthen the relationship.
Listening to Music or Watch a Movie
Talking immediately after an intense scene can sometimes be overwhelming for some people. Engaging in a relaxing activity like listening to music or watching a comforting movie can help ease the transition back to a regular state of mind. Keep in mind that there is no correct way to give aftercare, everyone has different needs and forcing our ideas about aftercare is not the way to make it work.
Physical Relaxation
A warm bath or shower can be physically soothing and help wash away any physical and emotional tension from the scene. Massages are also a great way of relaxing the mind and body. This type of aftercare can be especially positive after a physically intense scene where practices like impact play, intense bondage, among others where present.
Provinding Nourishement . . .aka, icecream
Most of us have a special food, the one that just by smelling it makes us feel at home. Our comfort food. Eating together can help restore energy levels and provide a grounding effect. Yes, ice cream and chocolate!
A Walk into Reality
Taking a slow walk while talking, sharing a cup of coffee while talking about x non scene related things is definitely one of the most lovely ways of ending an intense experience. BDSM can not only be intense but it also plays with our perception of reality, touching some fresh grass sometimes helps us put things into much needed perspective to return to our reality.
Aftercare doesn’t need to be over complicated, or demanding. Just make sure to practice mindfulness and empathy and you will be halfway there.
Stay safe, keep it sane, make it consensual and have fun with it!
See you on the next one 🜉
