Tribute

100% of sensual desires begin in our minds. One image. That image that you have stuck in your mind and you want to see it come true. You know how it looks in your mind but you need someone to make it come to life. After all, that image that burns inside you it’s not that hard, it’s actually pretty simple, after all, you have seen it predicted in so many movies, right?

What you don’t know (or decide to ignore) it’s that this apparent simple image has a lot of work and cost behind it. The production of even such a simple, momentary image is not free. What you see is an illusion created by a highly trained team. That’s why it becomes a fantasy. Because it looks effortlessly perfect.

Location, costume, makeup, manpower, toys, equipment, time. So much planning, knowledge, time and money behind such a simple thing. How much do you think the real cost of that would be? How much work do you think is behind the knowledge and image of a BDSMK Mistress?

There are many doubts, questions and even suspicions about tributes. And I get it. Usually, this negative view around tribute stems from bad personal experiences, or because they read or heard that it happened to someone else. They have given money to someone, expecting it to lead to a meeting and the start of a beautiful relationship, only to be met with, you guessed it, a request for more money. Alternatively, they might have talked to numerous “Dommes”, only to find that at some point in each conversation, they all asked for money. But here it’s the main problem, many people, usually newbies, don’t know how to differentiate a lifestyle Domme, from a Pro Domme, from a wanna be Domme, from a right straight scammer. As I always say, it is your responsibility to educate yourself, it is your responsibility to stay safe, it is your responsibility to make good decisions.

First I want us to establish that all relationships are transactional. That means, relationships are based on an expectation of: I give you something and you give me something. What we decide to give in exchange for what we receive is what varies, depending in our different types of relationships. If it is a family relationship we expect loyalty and affection; if it is a friendship relationship we expect respect, support, trust; if it is a romantic relationship we expect love, fidelity, sex, among a dozen other things, but that a whole other conversation. But when the relationship is professional we expect to be remunerated, financially and with recognition, for all our efforts. Where would you say a relationship between you and a professional Domme would fall in?

Lots of people think that a professional Mistress is the same as a lifestyle one, and that a professional dynamic it’s the same as a personal one. There is a big difference between a Pro Domme and a lifestyle one. To start, how they connect with their bottom. You see, while a lifestyle Domme usually only considers submissives as their bottom, a Pro Domme is usually more open to a more diverse range of applicants. There is also the fact that a lifestyle dynamic is based on a deeper emotional connection than a professional one, if lucky. Without forgetting the fact that while in a personal dynamic the servant pleases their Mistress through their service, in a professional dynamic the Domme is using Her skills to give release to that bottled up desire, everything for a person who is not Her servant, so, as you can see, is pretty damn different.

The role of a professional Mistress is to embody the sum of all your desires. But it is also about maintaining your mental and physical safety while doing complex activities that require unique skills. Making something complex look easy it’s a sign of skill and experience. That shit takes time and effort.

I do empathize with people who have been victims of scams. Actually one of my goals with this project (ALT) is to help people to detect people who use kink as a weapon to harm others. That’s why I write books, do workshops, organize munches, etc. I feel a sense of responsibility with people who are just beginning their journey and want to help them to do better and safer. But, and this it’s a massive but, saying that you are not into buying someone’s time, and yet expecting full time communication, expect to be taught, expect to be given all the answers to your questions, get your fantasies explored, ask for videos/photos and the most wild ones even expect sex, all while holding you by the hand, reassure you, adapt to your private life without expecting anything in return just because you promise to “serve and do whatever because you don’t have limits”; that’s just. . .that’s. . .let’s be honest, it’s as scammerish as the so call online only Dommes. If you are looking for a kink dispenser, be ready to pay for that big ass expensive toy but don’t you dare to criticize Pro Dommes just because they don’t agree to give you what you want without asking anything in return.

Again, we need to be honest, there are wannabes and scammers on both sides, Tops and bottoms. However, that only means we all need to be smarter about how we do things and with whom we do it. If it weren’t for an army of horny men sending dick pics to every woman who has a social media account, there wouldn’t be so many people ready to take advantage of that horniness. And it’s all that mess created for non kink assholes that drove people to believe that tributes it’s something it is not.

Tribute is not an exchange for services. Tribute is not buying your way into a Domme’s life. Tribute is not you paying for sex. Tribute is not having a green card to do whatever you want. Tribute does not mean you now are the Top. Tribute has been historically a way to show allegiance or respect. Tribute had a very important role in spiritual rituals and royal ceremonies. In a space full of rituals, such as BDSMK, it is easy to expect to find a practice of this type. Tribute is a way of showing appreciation for a Domme’s effort in taking the time to learn the craft, the skills needed. It’s a sign of respect for Her maturity, Her strength, Her care in the dynamic you share. Tribute is you trying to reciprocate and show your devotion to Her. A dynamic without this reciprocation symbiosis dies. Of course, you can dedicate your life to Her, commit to please Her needs but, what about those who don’t want to do the hard work?

But something that is almost not talked about and that in my opinion is extremely important is; tribute contributes towards a Domme’s life, development, learning, equipment, special cloths, etc. Part of the magic between a Domme and Her servant lies in the devotion one has for the other. If either side shows up to the dynamic “empty handed”, the dynamic will not last long. Your tribute is not a payment for an X amount on time of a Mistress’ day; it’s a recognition to Her for building Her life in such a way that She’s able to bring to life your desires. It’s you showering Her with honor and gratitude for Her incredible skill to make it look simple and natural.

For those who say “ I won’t pay for someone’s attention”, that’s your prerogative. I believe in consent in all matters. Just remember, all relationships are transactional, what are you willing to give in exchange for what you want? Think a little about that before going deeper into your exploration. If you are not supporting Her, fulfilling Her needs, nor meeting Her desires, what are you good for to a Mistress? Because I’m sure you know better than expecting to take the benefits of a Mistress’ time and hard work, swindling because you do understand the nature of tribute but you refuse to show appreciation, giving nothing back towards this life consuming production.

If you want to engage with a Domme, lifestyle or professional, learn how to recognize one. Remember, the principles of ethics and consent should always be at the center of your dynamics. Ethical Pro Dommes will follow these principles to the letter. They are up-front and clear about what they’re doing and what you can expect from them. They will not ambush you, manipulate you or lie to you for money. Ethical Pro Dommes are professionals with a very business approach to their dynamics, as such, they usually have a website (even tough some don’t), have a professional presentation, they clearly state their session rates, they may require a deposit, and they go from there.

Now, here comes the controversial FinDomme figure. Yes, they do exist. Yes, there are ethical FinDommes. Yes, some people actually enjoy this kind of dynamic. Now, like everything that occurs within BDSMK, it needs to follow the principles of ethics and consent, negotiations and safety must be established. No woman is a FinDomme just because they call you names while asking for money constantly, that’s not how it works. Nor is the woman who charges you for photos and videos for you to cum. If you want to dabble in power dynamics at least make sure you know how the actual fuck this dynamics work before starting squandering money to then put the blame on them while avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions.

Yes, doing research may not be fun for most people but I suggest you invest a little time doing so. Vetting is the kinkiest shit ever, if you want to be acknowledged as a kinkster, learn the good ways. There are a lot of unethical people out there, some of them use the kink scene as a hunting ground, and this it’s not limited to Dommes and money, some people are getting physically hurt too. When I dive into fetlife groups and writings I feel that there are more scammers than lifestylers or professionals. So, being smart and having patience is a requirement to navigate the murky waters.

My sincere advice to any newbie submissives is this: Stop thinking you can have a healthy dynamic for free. Whether you are Top or bottom, there will always be a cost that you will have to pay, even if that cost isn’t money.

If you want to take but not to give, stay away from BDSMK. If you call yourself a submissive and want to fuck instead of serving, stay away of power dynamics. If you don’t want to follow ethics and consent, but you expect others do, stay away from BDSMK.

If you want a significant emotion based relationship go to munches, be part of an organized community and be patient. Remember, you are as responsible for the abuse and misuse of the Domme archetype as the scammers are. If you just want someone to “deliver” pleasure, I suggest researching thoroughly. Make sure you go to a professional, make sure She is skilled and trustworthy. Vet Her, as She will vet you. Make sure that you understand (in a general sense) who She is and what Her style is like.

At the end of the day it comes down to the memories we make in this world. Those are the experiences we keep forever. I think BDSMK is like tattoos, it is an art that many people undervalue and even deny that it is art. It is a craft that requires years of training, practice and a lot of dedication. Most people who dedicate themselves to it don’t do it as a hobby, they dedicate their entire lives to it. Everything so that an asshole comes and says: “I have a friend who does it for less”. Then, go to your friend. Now, if you want a sick piece of art that will make you feel like a rock start, you are in the right place. And that my friend, has a price. After all, it’s a one of a kind experience.

So, shat I bring to a dynamic so I can “justify” tribute?

Knowledge, skills, communicational skills, emotional intelligence, planning, safety, privacy, ethics, personalized experience and ice-cream. . .among other cool stuff.

Now, when you schedule a Coffee Date or a Session with me I will ask for tribute instead of service in exchange for what I am bringing to the table. No Domme will not just dispense you your kink and expect or take nothing in return. Lifestyle or Professional. You need to give back at least as much as you take. The fact that some people pretend to brokefishing or freeload it’s proof enough that they don’t know how much work it’s behind the scenes, therefore they do not deserve anything.

Here, my last piece of knowledge for you regarding this. Tribute it’s a quasi synonym of service. While service it’s about showing respect, loyalty, submission, alliance and servitude through actions, tribute uses money to show allegiance, respect, acknowledgement of superiority (from the one who pays to the one who receives). Rome, British Empire, Imperial China, Spain, all empires and reigns have used these figure to establish their power. And funny enough most governments still do, taxes are tributes to the state, in case you didn’t know.

Service it’s actually the preferred way of submission for any Domme. But can be tricky to service someone you don’t know at all. Service it’s always tailor made to the Domme’s specific taste. While Tribute it’s more practical. If you are willing to put the work to gain a Domme’s appreciation, here are some suggestions as to how you might appropriately honor your Mistress through service:

Use your skills. Are you a carpenter? Are you a chef? Are you a hairdresser? Are you good at fixing things around the house? Good. Offer your Mistress your skills. Making Her life a little bit easier it’s a fantastic way of showing not only respect and loyalty but also care and support.

Use your talent. Are you good at building things? Is your talent creating things to be used and admired? Perfect. Who doesn’t love a handmade gift?! Use your talent to make Her something unique, that represents Her, that encapsulates your devotion to Her. Whether you make Her beautiful wooden spanking paddle, hand stitch Her a flogger, sew a corset that matches Her eyes, you drew Her in all Her maximum glory and majesty, just make sure whatever you make Her, it’s for Her, meaning you actually thought about how that thing can be of use and joy for Her.

Use your knowledge. One of the reasons why communication it’s so important in a dynamic is because it allows us to know what the other person likes. And here my friend, you can put to good use both of your checklists. What do I mean by that? Easy, if you know She likes tattoos, gift Her one. She likes anal play? A lovely set surely would make Her happy. She’s into shibari? There is no such thing as too many ropes. How about offering to enroll Her in an impact play workshop? Or going to that Domme convention? In this way you are actively supporting Her growth as a Domme, and that’s something you will eventually enjoy. A win-win situation all round.

Use your submission. If you don’t know what to do or to offer, that’s okay. Can take time to learn what She likes or needs. In this case, I recommend you to offer the utmost submission to Her. Believe me, that will take you a long way. Something as simple as to kneel and say: “at Your service” will melt any Domme’s heart. But of course, needs to be more than lip-service, because She will put to a test that offer, so you better mean those words.

And dear, don’t think doing any of these just once will make you special. Dommes are so used to random people approaching them with beautiful words and empty displays of shallow servitude. It’s consistency what will make you grab Her attention. Do these things often. Put your soul into them, and feel the joy of serving your Mistress with devotion ❤.

Stay safe, keep it sane, make it consensual and have fun with it!

See you on the next one.